March 21, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
Seth, I tried to watch SNL, and tried to write to you, but it's been tough on my brain. A part of me disappeared the time Jack was rough on me. I tried calling him on my cell phone but he didn't pick up. I didn't go to school, and I didn't go to work. I didn't want to see anyone. I wanted to stay underneath my blanket because it was warm and comforting. I wished I could speak to Jack about why he did that to me.
Seth, I wished you could talk to Jack for me, to ask him what happened and why he hurt me last Thursday. The house was a mess. It s a two bedroom in Jersey City and there is a bodega nearby. We have a couch and a fridge and an armoire in front of the couch where the television is and that's where I watch SNL. Dad and Brenda tried to clean up but they said I caused to much mess for them to clean up so they stopped cleaning up after me.
I will lay low and won't tell anyone about what happened with Jack. I won't tell Dad because he would just freak out and I won't be able to stay here anymore. I wish you live next door to me, as my neighbor, so I could confide in you and you could help me rationalize my thoughts. The past few days, I dreamt of accidents and I was thrown out of my Spanish Class for being myself because Miss Pestian hated me. In my dream, she called me a slut, and so did the rest of the class and I tried to calm down but I they pushed me down and kicked my ribs.
I woke up drenched in tears and I didn't want to get out of bed.
I felt a burning sensation in my pelvic but I didn't to bring up Jack to anyone. It felt like rape, Seth. I tried to not think about it, but that's what it felt like. I wish you could help me. It felt so rough and brutal to me, and he kicked me to get up and left. He didn't even say he loved me or tried to comfort me.
Seth, what was it? Was I raped? What should I do, Seth?
March 22, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
Seth, this morning I went to school. Dad got a phone call from one of my teachers, and he knocked on my door this morning to wake me up.
"Why did you skip school on Thursday and Friday?" Dad asked me.
"I didn't want to go. I wanted to just stay home," I replied.
"Get up and go to school. Or at least go to work," said Dad.
I woke up and went to school.
No one knew about what happened and I dodged Jack because I didn't want to get hurt again. Seth, if you could hear me through my heart's wishes, please send me help. Be my friend, Seth, and I want to be your best friend forever.
The kids at school looked me in the eye, but I looked away. I felt the world's burden on my shoulders as I walked down the hallway and in every class. I didn't pay attention and just looked to the teachers and kept quiet. The teachers never called on me, the sick girl in the corner with nothing to say. They didn't care and I didn't want to say anything to anyone.
I felt judged by the eyes of the world, although no one said anything at all. Seth, I felt like a specimen under a microscope, except I was shredded to pieces by Jack and everyone around the agar plate just looked at me condescendingly.
Perhaps Jack didn't mean what he said to me underneath the bleachers, and he didn't want to hurt me. I tried calling him, but he didn't pick up.
I hated my life, Sethy. Tears kept falling and I tried to get out of the bathroom after lunch, but I sat on the toilet alone and sobbed. My heart was broken and I wished I could leave this city, this school, and I didn't want to tell Dad.
I wished I could start over with life,
WishesOoohWishes.
March 23, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
I went to work and I didn't care. I wanted to earn a living more than going to school and being barraged by stares of the pupils of Monarch High. Mabel kept calling, and if I told her anything,
I was worried she would say something to the teachers or the principal or other people and I would be hurt. She was always the staunch keeper of the law, and she never really liked Jack. So, I didn't say anything to anyone and just went to T-Bell in the morning and asked my manager if I could work there for eight hours.
"I don't know what's wrong in your life, Mary, but you sure love Taco Bell. I hope the love is real," he said.
The Manager for my T-Bell is Trevor and he jokes about me loving the burrito line because I always jumped at the chance of keeping it together for the customers. I was the fastest burrito and taco builder in the joint. I earned a badge, a purple ribbon, of the same purple as the Taco Bell logo.
"I promise I won't waste anything," I told him.
He smiled, and said, "Drake called in sick , so I'd have you start with the drive-thru line, and work your way to the line."
"Thank you," I said, holding my palms together to him.
I stayed there from 8 in the morning until 7 in the evening, and Dad hardly noticed. He was with Brenda and I saw her whine to my Dad before for affection, so I hope they have fun and not bother me. I didn't want to be the third wheel.
I worked through those hours and was really happy because I accomplished something. I did my hours and earned some money at the same time. I walked home happy and I only had a cramp in my gut, but I ignored it.
I will ignore everything, until I feel better.
Only writing to Sethy,
WishesOoohWishes.
March 24, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
I wish I was superhuman and could just fly to see you, Seth Meyers, to be my best friend, my neighbor, my confidant, because when I think of you, although life was a struggle from not having a soul to love, somehow my soul found solace. For that, I am transferring all of my love to you, to forget about my struggles for a smidge. I skipped school again and I didn't care. T-Bell was more fun and I could day dream all day amongst burritos and mild sauce. Seth Meyers, you turned the chili picante inside of me into twisted crispy churros, all cinnamon sweet.
These heart breaks are just experiences, and I hope they will pass its course and skip my life, forever thereon; because I don't want struggling forms of anything in my future. Seth, if you were my best friend, I would tell you everything and I would tell you to speak to Jack and ask him why he did what he did.
Last night, I cried to pieces that my body shook and I jolted several times and I felt it might be a seizure. I wanted to tell Dad, but I wasn't sure if he would send me to the hospital and I wouldn't know what the cause of this illness would be.
I really love you now, because you are the only thing keeping me sane. The fairytale I wished for came to life with you although it is not real, and only through the television. I would watch you on Saturday Night Live, my favorite show, and on the website, and having you through those devices comforted me and helped mend my heart.
I don't mind seeing you through television at all, because I know you are real and although you don't know me, I love you for who you are, because I could tell you are amazing inside out. I know you appreciate this love, although menial to so many people, this love is succor to me. My real heart was torn, and torment was its punishment, until I saw you and fire lit up my life again. It was like liberation day for any country when I saw you, and you could laugh, but just appreciate my honesty.
Seth Meyers, I will always be in love with you,
WishesOoohWishes (a.k.a Mary – in case one day I dare to come visit you and show up to you in person).
March 25, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
I had a panic attack. I think that's what it was. I stayed in bed all day because Dad didn't come home last night. He must be at Brenda's and I was happy he stayed there because I didn't want him to see me this way.
I sobbed uncontrollably and I wanted to leave the planet. I wanted out of this life and I hated myself because I let Jack hurt me. He was rough, Seth. Jack hurt me. I don't know what to do.
Sethy. I want out. But, that would mean I won't have you in my life again. Loving you keeps me alive. You are the only thing that holds me together right now. I only wanted to see you on Saturday Night and that is my reason to live right now. Seth, I wish you are here. I am so scared and I am hurting, in my soul, in my heart, in my body, and in my mind. I might have exacerbated my depression.
If you were a father, Seth, would you want a daughter who was raped. I think I was raped, Sethy. I didn't want to admit it, but I think I was. I don't know what to do. Please help me, Seth.
I wish you are here,
WishesOoohWishes
March 26, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
Last night I wanted to take all of my Dad's depression pills and end it, Seth.
I wanted to tell Dad, but he was at work and I didn't want to call him because he told me to go to sleep when he was working. When he came home, I pulled my covers and pretended I was okay, although my eyes were swollen and my pillow was wet from my snot and sobs.
I took the week off school. I didn't care, and when my Dad got the call this morning, he told them that I was sick. He came in to check on me and opened the door slightly, and asked, "Mary, why aren't you at school?"
"Took the week off, Jack broke it off," I told him. Jack did. He never said it directly, but he did hurt me.
I was really happy Dad asked me, because I thought he didn't care, but he asked. He closed the door and went to the kitchen. I heard him cooking breakfast and I pulled my blanket over me and tried to sleep the day away. I didn't want to live like this.
No more strength, Seth.
WishesOoohWishes.
March 27, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
At work I focused on the drive-thru orders, and sobbed a little bit, but I didn't sob the way I did last night. There was a tinge of pain in my abdomen, and I didn't care, it was probably because Jack was rough on me.
I didn't think I would be so fearful, but in my gut something told that I needed help and I was in trouble. I didn't want to speak to anyone about this. I was scared I would be hurt if someone knew about Jack hurting me. Was it rape, Sethy? It felt rough and it felt forced and I didn't say he could have sex underneath the bleachers that way. I wanted to just kiss him and get back together, but he said I wanted it. I supposed I did, but I also didn't.
The whole time at work, I had a swirl in my abdomen and it was twisting and felt hard inside, like a knife was in my stomach all the way to my neenoo-neenoo.
Seth, you know women stuff, but you're no doctor. I might have to go ask someone, but I didn't know who. I asked my manager, and he said Planned Parenthood takes Medicaid, for kids without insurances, and he advised me to go there. I will go tomorrow.
I'm sick,
WishesOoohWishes
March 28, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
Sethy, I walked to Planned Parenthood, it was about 5 miles away. It wasn't in a pretty neighborhood, and I was scared about walking in. I wished you were here to be my big brother and held my hand, even just to sign up to check on my health. I've never had a well-women exam before. It was a physical, they called it, but even as a 16 year-old, I've never been to one.
The Nurse Practitioner's name was Jasmine, and she was young, African American, and she was nice. She asked me if I had a reason for coming in, such as unplanned pregnancy. I told her that I had rough sex, and she said," I see."
"Was it your first time?" asked Jasmine.
"No, it was my second. The first time was in his villa in Breckenridge, when we went snow-boarding," I told her.
"How rough is 'rough sex'?" asked Jasmine.
I looked to the ground, and described to her what happened. I saw tears rolled down her cheeks, and I panicked, "No…it's not. Don't say it. I wasn't raped."
Jasmine closed her eyes, and breathed in, and said," There is a fine line between sex and rape, and rough sex is not sex at all. It was rape, Mary."
I closed my eyes with my palms and couldn't stop crying. I panicked and I told her, "I can't be raped. I'm only 16, and I can't be a rape victim."
Jasmine stood up, and went outside for a moment, and walked back inside with a pamphlet about signs of abuse and another one about rape.
"Why did you come here today?" Jasmine asked me.
"Pain in my abdomen," I said. "It just came yesterday, and I didn't have my period."
"Let's get on with the well women exam, and I can do some tests to see what's wrong, including a pregnancy test. We will wait for the results in an half hour. Just stay calm and be patient with me," Jasmine said.
"Thank you, Jasmine," I replied.
The stir-ups didn't scare me, but the speculum did. I wasn't prepared for the pain, and I was scared about being aware about it, but not as scared as when I had sex with Jack.
The process took fifteen minutes, with Jasmine pressing my insides and then my abdomen.
"I will take some tests with these slides, but from these physical tests, so far, your pelvic and abdomen are inflamed and perhaps your fallopian tubes inside. Signs of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease from Chlamydia," Jasmine said. "Also, I want to tell you that we have plans and guidance for teens here. You don't have to be afraid."
I looked to the ceiling and my eyelids closed and more tears came down to my temples.
Sethy, I believe I've ruined my own life. This whole time, I tried to work hard to help my Dad, and I'm trying to have true-love with Jack, but I was hurt by him.
Jasmine said I was to wait for the test results in an hour, so I had to wait in the waiting room. There were other young couples there, and I saw them and they were kissing. Jack and I never went to a clinic before we had sex. I trusted him.
I closed my eyes and sobbed again and got up off my seat and walked out. I couldn't stand it.
I was about a mile away, when Jasmine called me as she ran from Planned Parenthood, to fetch me.
"Take these," Jasmine said. "It will help you."
She gave me a small pill bottle and told me to take one on the spot. I did. She walked away, and looked back towards me, "It happens all the time. Don't be afraid. You can come back to us if you need help," she said.
I nodded. I saw Jasmine walked away and thought of how kind and caring she was to me. I didn't ask her to come and fetch me, but she did.
This whole thing hurts so bad, Sethy. I felt guilty and sad, because I tried to kiss him near the bleachers, to get back together. I wished I hadn't done that.
Sethy, I have a feeling I might die early. I've already gotten this STD, and I made wrong choices. I'm scared that I will always make the wrong choice. Seth, I wish you were here with me.
I wish you were my big brother,
WishesOoohWishes.
March 29, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
I took a week off, Sethy and I was glad I did. I didn't have anyone to speak to about Jack. I tried talking to Dad, and he came home with Brenda, but he was drunk again. Brenda said they had a birthday celebration for her last night on Sunday. I thought they were friends from church, but it turns out they met somehow from an Alcoholic Anonymous group. I wanted to ask Dad about all this, but he was too busy and too drunk to speak to me.
When I was asleep, I heard noises from the kitchen and Brenda was trying to make coffee.
"Is Dad okay?" I asked.
"He's just happy we're together. We haven't touched alcohol since we met. A drop of it won't hurt just to celebrate my birthday," said Brenda.
"I should've known you'd be lax about this," I said, with tears in my eyes. I knew Brenda wasn't strong enough, but who was I to talk. I was raped because I couldn't keep my hands off Jack.
"It's okay, Mary," said Brenda. "Your Dad is a grown man. He can handle it."
I looked to the stove in front of me and stared at the space between the two stove tops and breathed in deep and exhaled out an immense tension from inside my soul.
I didn't see them awake this morning when I went to school. I showered and took myself to a good walk to Monarch High. I was hoping I could stop by a bodega, but it was still closed at 7 am in the morning. I just wanted a chilled Frappucino, but I didn't get to have one. I walked on to the next block and saw a McDonalds and walked in and got myself a hot coffee with 5 creams. It was the least I could have.
"Hey, didn't I see you at Planned Parenthood the other week?" said a voice from behind me. I turned around and saw a girl with pink highlights and a beanie, walking beside me.
"My name is India," she said. "I just work at the front desk there. I hope everything is okay."
I nodded, and replied, "Thanks."
I walked on and hoped she wouldn't follow, but she did. My heart beating and worried about the potential rumors and gossips, and all types of heartaches stabbing my back. "Please don't say anything to anyone," I told her.
"No, no, no that's not me at all," said India. "I just wanted to say hello. I go to Monarch, too."
She smiled and her pink hair softens her dark eyes. The rest of her hair was black but I saw tendrils of pink underneath her beanie, as if she was an anime girl.
"I worked there since freshmen year. I'm a senior. You're Mary, right? Jack's girl?" asked India. "I remember you."
"Not anymore, we broke up," I replied. Trying to hide my tears.
"It happens," said India. "I'm sorry. I hope you know that you'll meet someone else, right?"
I turned to her, and smiled. She just knew how to say the right things, and had the sweetest touch.
"Why did you go to PP?" India asked.
"Personal, sorry," I said.
"There is a rumor, that Jack's been sleeping around. I wanted to caution you," said India. "Guys...they think they're all smooth, but we girls know to watch out for each other."
I cried inside but without tears outside. I kept walking and walked to Monarch when I decided to go to PP today, and find out the test results.
"Hey, India. I have an appointment at PP, so go ahead without me," I said.
"Hey, I can call for you," India said. "I don't think it matters, but you can also just walk in."
I stayed silent.
"Hey, listen, there are a lot of us without guidance. PP helps too, they have some programs for teens with no mental health counseling and they can help with that and also help you in case you get pregnant. Not everything resorts to abortion," said India. "They make sure they have the right choice for you, is all."
I cried and sobbed inside and I felt my chest jolt and my tears began to flow out.
India hugged me, eventhough I didn't ask for a hug.
"I'm not sure what to tell you, but if you need to find out, right now is the best time," said India.
I turned around and walked about 6 miles it felt like. I was so broken inside and wanted to puke but I kept swallowing it in. I did vomit in the middle of the way and just went behind the bushes. I was scared I was pregnant and I was scared I had PID. I ignored the STD stuff at school when they taught it during sex education, and it wasn't even sex education, it was biology. They had some nurse from the general hospital come and talk about it. Then the state department of health came with some samples and pictures of what that looked like. They said it was supposed to make us feel scared and wanted to give us precaution, but I was so in love with Jack that I just wanted to jump him. I guess it made me aware but it would have been better if they had some guy with HIV come to speak to us. That will scare the shit out of me.
When I got to Planned Parenthood, Jasmine wasn't there. The nurse came out to see me, and sat me down in the small room.
"We need to talk to you. I am glad you came back. We need to speak to you about what happened. Jasmine gave me an update but your tests came out positive for all of it. STD and Pregnancy," she said. "What would you want to do."
I cried to pieces. I must have stayed there for an hour, talking to her about how much I loved Jack.
"Mary, what do you want to do in life?" she asked. Her name was Gretchen.
"I don't know," I told her.
"I want you to take the day off, and go to school, and tell your Father, and then come to us tomorrow to talk about it," said Gretchen.
Seth, tonight, I might end my life. This might be my last letter. I don't want to get an abortion.
Gretchen gave me some pills and I took it. She said that if I had PID, I might have lost the baby.
I need proof. I'm dumb, Seth. It was all my fault. I know my life is ruined now. I won't amount to anything.
I want to die, tonight.
WishesOoohWshes.