September 18, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
My life is not futile, Seth. It is NOT, and it was never meant to be. It is well with my soul that Joey has gone and now perhaps in the midst of hell and heaven, in the between spaces where all unrest hath gone. I wish I could turn back time and tell the guy that he's got a friend who would speak to him till dawn and with all her might, try to settle things to a peaceful rest and send him to the Emergency Room for Mental Health.
I decided, because Joey is now gone, I will not lead the same life. I will try with all of my heart, mind, and soul to love my life, even through the crevices of doubt and harsh realities. I know I won't be in my late forties working a dead end job, but if I am that person, I will keep going. To tell you the truth, those middle-agers with a job are lucky. They are not lazy and they are hard-working classy people. I am one of them.
If I end up being 46 or even 50 years old and working at Target, I will keep working hard, no matter what, and write and love my Dad. If I am still alone, I won't try to find someone because you know I'd be so depressed, lonely and desperate, and those three factors will land me with the wrong man. I will wait it out. My life is not futile. I know God has a plan for me. Sister Mary McGready told me that once she never thought she would write a book, but the calling was there until she published over a million copies.
Perhaps, Seth....I will write and become a writer. Perhaps I will write about everything and anything under the sun. I know my mind isn't broken and I know that even with PTSD and my Depression, I am still strong. I know the weakest are sometimes the strongest and most valuable cornerstone we never knew we deserved or had. Sister Mary McGready told me that if I was emotionally hurt, I am still perfect in the eyes of God, and I am not futile or broken down that I won't amount to anything but garbage. I know that with God, anything is possible.
Do you believe me when I say that I will write? Perhaps these love letters are just the beginning of something even sweeter, something worthwhile, and something valuable that no one would ever guess they would read and cherish? Maybe, even the rapist will appreciate me.
I am one of the chosen to have to lead a difficult path, and maybe it wasn't because I was dumb, but I was hurt since I was young and lacked guidance. I knew my Dad wasn't perfect and I wish he was. I wish he had time for me, but he doesn't. He doesn't have time for himself and for his own illness. He is struggling and I won't blame him, or regret my past. I won't dwell or tread on that road once again. I know it will come up over and over again, and I will try with all of my heart to dodge that unbelief in my own genius.
Do you believe that I am a genius, Seth? I know you are, but what am I? I am a genius, my life is NOT futile, and I am the possible in the impossible. I am chosen and I am a cornerstone. I am a gorgeous human being who is under appreciated by some, because they are too selfish to see the beauty in others. It isn't my fault for their imperfections, but I also know it isn't my fault that I was hurt and I was defiled and partly broken from time to time. I will keep going and writing as if nothing happened, and if these symptoms come back (like all victims of violence know and feel) I will have to settle my breath into a peaceful space, close my eyes, and practice my prayers as the warrior that I am.
Do you think people are scared of victims of violence, Seth? I know a lot of people don't like us, or choose to see us as a negative, but we are actually the positive. We are the population who understand what violence feels like and I know most of us don't want it to happen to others. Those who become harmful didn't practice their genius, but I am one with a genius mind, Seth. Do you believe that I am a strong proponent of good? I am. Know that and if one day I become a writer with my own website and my own stories, I will write these letters to you and send them into cyberspace as my true heart to help others through my unconditional and heartfelt love for you. You are my sweet spot, Seth. Keep making the world laugh, and keep reaching to the scariest population of people, yes....the Donald Trump Fans.
I love you, Seth Meyers!
WishesOoohWishes (a.k.a. Mary)
A good day, on a certain special month, in the years to come.
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
I didn't die, Seth. I am still here loving you. I went back to get my GED, and enrolled at the nearby Community College and took my own interest, might, heart, soul, mind and spirit and applied myself. I went online classes. I took myself to a place called 'Zoom' that only existed in the future, and during the past, was just a way to meet other people for office meetings. It is now WORLDWIDE, and EDUCATIONAL and Chinese people made it.
I know you are wondering if I'm Latina or Asian. Perhaps I was just a fictional rape victim and perhaps I was just a figment of your imagination of a fan girl. I was and always will be a female who was hurt, and had a way out because someone loved me. My Dad became sober. He still works at Target and so do I. I was 17 and now I became older, and A LOT wiser. I also work at Target, and I have pride in it. I was homeless at Covenant House, but now I am not. I was hurt, and now, I am stable. I was broken, but I am patched with gold in the between spaces where doubt, negativity, and hatred lived.
I was a person who didn't like others because I let the rapists hurt me and inflicted hatred and racism, and abuse and he was physically and verbally abusive, and I was hurt by more than just Jack. That was his name, but it really wasn't in the name, it was in his heart. Yet, my heart never succumbed to his that he wanted me to have.
I never took the rapists's garbage, instead I worked on my own and decided that within my hardship, was my genius. That with time, I will become an even greater genius. I was cooked, hard boiled, and deep fried, Seth, by people who weren't chefs or tasteful. You know what happened? I became shredded meat. But, I was so fully loved, not by my own doing, but by God and by my Dad, and my family, and Joey, and my friends at Target that I know how to cook now. I became the chef, and pastries are my friend. I wasn't too dumb to realize that the perpetrator's cooking of my life was scrap from the can. I constructively re-invented myself. I fully went online and took classes, some I even took because The Christmas Spirit stayed inside my heart and mind and soul all year long, that the messages and the methods of their madness completely transformed me.
My brain wasn't crazy, Seth. It was harmed, I have to say, but it wasn't psychotic and violent. I never killed a bear because I was assaulted, and I have never shot an animal or a human being or used a gun because I was assaulted. I never physically harmed another, although I was beaten and violated. I didn't call anyone any worse names that you would call a hater, I uttered words of anger, but never acted upon it. I wrote it down and the ones I spoke out, was in self-defense. God saw all these actions, and I will safely say it now, and forever to God be my witness....I became anti-violence, because I was, am, and will always be...loving and kind.
I also became more than just a creative, Seth. I have goals, hopes, dreams, and I know my Dad will always be with me, no matter how old I will be. My Dad works with me, and together we conquer tired lives at Target and spread the joy of everyday living. He is and will always be my hero. I will keep these love letters, and somehow, release them....one day.
Guess what, Seth....I will always love you, too. Instead of just keeping my whole heart to myself and denying others of my soulful love and kindness, I practice it.