Diana Kurniawan

The rain poured over as I treaded on mud with Treebeard beside me holding his branches protecting me from the rain. The silence of the morning with his breath atop my head gave me a shiver to my bones.

 

"He will come, sit down and pray," Treebeard uttered as his eyes squinted for a view down yonder.

 

"Dreams took me here and I feel lost, yearning for it," I said as I looked up to him.

 

"Patience," said Treebeard.

 

A yee-haw echoed half a mile away, brisking sounds of Tom Bombadil running on my path to journey as he chances. 

 

"Hah! Morning dew is a merry drink for an ill soul, what creature are ye?" He yelled with his eyes merry and his bright blue jacket as the sky.

 

"Tom Bombadil, be my friend, and teach me thy steadfast ways to withstand the pull of the ring," I said to him, shivering in the rain.

 

Over Tom Bombadil was a perpetual sunshine with a small cloud weaving in and out of vision.

 

"She is lesser than merry, Tom. A sole survivor with a mission to live a warrior's journey," Treebeard said. "Middle Earth is full of her sorts of beings."

 

"Warrior's journey? Why? Have you a sword to battle?" Tom Bombadil asked.

 

"No, just a pen," I placed my hand inside my jeans pocket and pulled out my blue pen.

 

"Looks dangerous," said Tom Bombadil. "But, write your tell-tale as your heart fancies!" Tom Bombadil jumped and merrily danced in a circle and stretched his hands towards me. "Blue!"

 

His big brown eyes at me and his long greying hair rumpled with a feather in his hat and bright yellow boots.

 

"Why haven't you been moved by the ring?" I asked. "What strength have you that I may have some in me?"

 

"I am simply the mightiest creature in all of Middle-Earth!" Tom Bombadil said. "Also, His love endureth, and joy reminds."

 

"She is a weary daugther, weak spirit, and mighty in need of comfort, Tom," said Treebeard. "She might need your hug."

 

"Is that so?" Tom Bombadil said. He jumped and rushed towards me, and ran into my chest as he was but as tall as my belly button. I fell and he cuddled me inside his worn robes and bright blue jacket. His tall hat fell on the mud.

 

"Oh, my feathers! Might suit your heart to be tickled at your nose." He took his feathers and whisped the yellow feather on my nose and face.

 

"Too much," I said, my sounds muffled inside his arm pits. A red robin perched on Treebeard's branch and sang a melodious song for us. I listened and closed my eyes. As the song finished, Tom Bombadil kicked my shin and I fell on the ground once more. 

 

"What? Why?!" I said, a bit angry.

 

"Stop moseying around Middle-Earth as if it was a deathly journey. Join the pilgrimage of the Elves, Hobbitons,  and fight the Orcs! Be attuned to your calling! Stop this!" Tom Bombadil yelled at me. "And might I say, merriest is she who awakens with a purposeful spirit."

 

Tom Bombadil was never moved by the pull of "The Ring," a symbol in my mind of a divine relationship of man, woman, and God. 

 

"Otherwise, it will lead to Necromancy!" said Tom Bombadil, snickering his nose, this time with his fingers, as he shook his bum from side to side. 

 

"I promise myself never to lead down that path, Uncle Tom," I said. I promised the Lord of the Rings, to stand with the divine and to retain control of my subconscious and surrender to the Almighty to not fret about the journey. It was to my benefit to still be kept on guard to work my destiny and place my effort to please Him, than to follow the path of sorrow inside Middle-Earth.

 

"Then, wake up, wake up, O daugther, and solemn no more! Sing into the daylight and nay to tears of worry!" said Tom Bombadil. "And help those who are in need."

 

"My, Uncle Tom, I have a lot to work on," I said, as the crevices of my eyes opened and my alarm beeped.

 

"Until tomorrow, O Daughter! Derry-dol, merry-dol, my darling and welcome the sunny weather and glittering snows!" sang Tom Bombadil.

 

Treebeard and Tom Bombadil disappeared into my dreams and I knew I would dream another dream of a story longing to be told from my journey not long ago.

 

Just write.

 

Accounting could be so cruel some days, with extracts of numbers on the Excel spreadsheets and Sharepoint glitches nauseating his brain. Garrett took one last breath before he closed his briefcase, breathed in and out, and closed his eyes. He took the last scraps of paper from today's balancing budget and tossed them into the recycling bin under his desk.

 

He closed the door to his small accounting firm that he kept up after 20 years. With some clients he made a stabile relationship with, to pay off his rent for the office every month on time. This firm was his bread and butter since he married Cindy in 1992, with just a small business loan they signed up together. He was the boss, the accountant, the clerk and janitor for New Horizons, LLC. Who needed anyone else, when you've got two arms and two legs to do everything yourself? Cindy never understood why he was never home, so she left in 2000, because Jenna, their daughter, wasn't there anymore either. Long story.

 

He got out of the building five minutes since he turned off the computer. He held his briefcase under his armpits and his lunch bag in his right hand. He searched his pants pocket for his keys with his left, opened the car door, tossed his lunch bag and briefcase to the passenger seat, and started the car. His stomach fit snug underneath the driver's wheel and his weight sunk the car an inch down to the Earth.

 

Forty-five wasn't bad, he thought. I looked 60 but younger in reality.

 

With greying hair, Garrett's older features gave respect out on the streets, because since he last saw Jenna, he has been searching for her all around the streets in Los Angeles, daily, sometimes taking trips on weekends to find her at the outskirts towards Las Vegas.

 

I gotta be there by six, or there will be no parking anywhere, his mind kept working.

 

Monterey Park was close to Los Angeles that he took the side streets on Valley Boulevard and hopped on the 10 West Freeway to get to 101 North towards Cahuenga Boulevard and got off Hollywood. The trip took the usual hour and some twenty minutes, but there was no heavy bumper to bumper, just the overflow and hold ups at the lights. The sky was lavender with pink rays on sunset, but the smog stunk on the street level.

 

Garrett turned left on Hollywood Blvd and drove into a semi-residential street, just before Sunset. He parked a block away from the strip and took out his handicap sticker and his usual note that said, "Out of gas, please don't tow. BRB in 30 minutes." Garrett's thrifty, not stupid. Parking was costly and he'd never stay more than 30 minutes per day. Besides, this area was on the way home to the Valley, so this daily mission was not allowed to cost him more than the pamphlets he was about to give out.

 

Women of the night, was Garrett's main mission since Jenna left home. To look for her and to give out as much pamphlet about the Restitution Program nearby his work in Monterey Park. The program transformed women who went through sex trafficking or prostitution, to change their behavior, lifestyle and perhaps, instilled education for the long run.

 

Word had it, there were more women in the congregation who enrolled in the program last year than ever before, at 25 women. This was his third year doing these daily missions and his 10th year anniversary working for them as their main accountant. Salvation was of the Lord's, or as Garrett liked to say, "Payback."

 

He walked to the strip with his messy hair from sweat and heat. It was 90 degrees again in November, but who's complaining. He had about 10 pamphlets, just in case it was a good night. There were some girls in front of him, standing in their heels and tight leather pants. One woman had long finger nails, holding a cigarette, with silky black hair to her butt and wearing an ankle bracelet. Her ankle bracelet made twinkling sounds like a row of charm bells.

 

"You handsome man. What's your name, mister?" she said. There was a younger girl beside her.

 

"Garrett, and yours?"  He smiled and ready to pass out the goods. He turned the pamphlets over and she noticed.

 

"Ah, man! You a priest or somethin'?" she said as she rolled her eyes.

 

"Do I have a robe on?" Garrett said.

 

"Oh, so you a customer then? Let's go then. What you want, mister?" said the woman, smiling with one leg in front of the other, posing with her hand on her waist. "I'm cuter. She's younger. You pick." The younger girl snatched her cigarette and walked off as Garrett hurried after her.

 

"No, No, don't leave. I want you, too," said Garrett. "You're both gorgeous girls. I'm sorry. I'm not a customer. I just want to talk for a minute."

 

"You are a priest. Damn!" said the girl with silky hair. "I thought I was gonna get lucky."

 

"You need help or something, mister?" asked the younger girl.

 

"Yes, but not what you think. Here, I want to give you both this. I'm helping young women like you," said Garrett. "Take one, just read it, please. You can read, right?"

 

"Yeah! What you think? We dumb?" said the younger girl. "I finished high school. GED, but still finished. Stupid, pamphlet. What is this?"

 

"It's not stupid. Read it. Please," said Garrett, with his eyes pleading.

 

"Magdalena Res-prostution Program," said the woman with long silky hair.

 

"It's restitution. It's a program for young girls and adults. To get off the street," said Garrett. His eyes widened. "They take care of you there, and you can stop working on the street, and get a good job in the future."

 

"Yeah? Then get married, with someone handsome like you?" said the woman with long silky black hair. "You single or married, or in an open relationship, or what?"

 

"Divorced, but I'm in love with someone," said Garrett.

 

"Who she?" said the younger girl, "She cuter than my girl here?"

 

"No, not cuter, but sweeter. Very sweet. She is the one who turned me around," said Garrett. He laughed and felt like Harrison Ford for a second, because two beautiful girls just took an interest, even if it was just in a simple hook-up sort of way.

 

"So you work with her? She work with you?" said the girl with the ankle bracelet.

 

"I work for her. Yes. Come to the program. Can you get there, to this address?" Garrett asked eagerly, pointing to the address on the pamphlet.

 

"Yeah, I know where it's at. I got a iPhone," said the younger girl with the cigarette in her mouth, lighting it, smoking it, and puffing it.

 

"Come there, and you can get better. So you won't have to turn tricks anymore," Garrett said.

 

"You got a girl? A daughter? Because you sound like a father," said the girl with the cigarette.

 

"Jenna, that's who I'm in love with," said Garrett. "We haven't found her since she was fifteen. She was mad at me because my wife and I divorced. So, she never came home from school."

 

"What happened?" the girl with the long black hair asked. Her eyes grew concerned with her hands on her hips, with angry eyes at Garrett.

 

"I don't know," said Garrett. "I hope I'll see her again one day."

 

"You do this to find her probably, huh?" asked the younger girl.

 

"How old are you?" asked Garrett. "She might be your age." He took out his wallet and slides out a small photograph of Jenna, when she was in high school.

 

"Wow, she's a brunette," said the woman with the ankle bracelet. "She's my age, probably. How long has it been?"

 

"Since 2000," said Garrett. "She'd be in her thirties by now."

 

"Nope, don't know anyone like her that age. We don't talk to no one out of this strip. Territory business. Our man won't let us do that," said the woman with the ankle bracelet.

 

"What's your name?" asked Garrett.

 

"Yuki," she said. "She's Misha. We pretty, huh?"

 

"Yes, very pretty," said Garrett. "We have girls all ages, please come."

 

"Why you so nice?" asked Misha, the younger girl.

 

"I don't know. I guess a part of me wants to see if I'd find Jenna one day or if I can help someone at the same time," said Garrett.

 

"So, you come here all the time? Why not Las Vegas? Plenty there," said Yuki.

 

"Closer to home, and I can do it more often," said Garrett. "Please come, please. They can help you there. Promise. Leave your man. Just bolt."

 

"Misha and I can go this weekend. We have clients waiting, but we can go in the morning. I can go in the morning?" said Yuki to Misha.

 

"Please come anytime. The office is open from 8 to 6, everyday and on weekends too. There are free foods and gift certificates to Starbucks," said Garrett.

 

"Hell yeah! I can go for the Starbucks," said Misha, dropping the burnt cigarette on the sidewalk, twisting her left foot on the bud.

 

"We go, we like you," said Yuki, giggling.

 

Garrett smiled with teary eyes, immediately hugging Yuki as his pamphlets slipped out of his hands and fell on the sidewalk.

 

"Careful! Careful, old man. Gosh, it's just a date," said Misha. Yuki giggled.

 

Garrett stooped down to the ground and picked up his pamphlets, taking each one in a hurry. "I gotta go back to the car," he said. 

 

One more soul at least, with a hope for two at the same time, he thought. Yuki and Misha, those names were memorized in his mind.

 

"Okay, we promise to go. You better show up," said Yuki, poking Garrett on his stomach. He giggled and straightened out his hair. He felt his heart jumped for a minute.

 

"Okay. We'll talk about Maria Magdalena, my girlfriend," said Garrett. Handing another pamphlet to Yuki.

 

"I guess, mister," said Yuki, bitterly taking the pamphlet.

 

"Thank you," said Garrett. "You'll love her." He gave Misha a hug and walked back to the car. He turned around to give them a wave goodbye and saw the girls reading the pamphlet together.  He overheard Misha said, "Free Starbucks."

 

Garrett cried silently, because another day he didn't find Jenna, might meant she was alive somewhere. He found his car in one piece with the note still on it and not a parking ticket in sight. "Phew, risky business," he said.

 

Just write.

Definitely wasn't the same as my love for sticky rice. The sweet glutinous rice with sprinkles of sugar and salted peanuts was something of a special occasions when my Mom and I would go to Denver's Little Vietnam. No. This wasn't the same as that. It started with a rush for a whole day at work, and as I got home, I collapsed on the sofa and wanted lunch. Truthfully, I gravitate towards savory, but the whole morning and even in the afternoon, I craved its bitter and cream, because it drove me to the computer to type out my blog and made me want to write for the rest of the evening. 

 

I would drive for it, search for it, Google Mapped it and each time I was overwhelmed, I craved it; and it drove me to write. At first I wasn't sure if it was the drink or my writing, but it was Starbuck's Half-calf Americano. But, it wasn't just the drink, it was the conversation. Yeah, I know...what a loser, but being honest, it was my mind's medicine. I stuck to the legal stuff, and aside from my own doses of mental health vitamins, I self-prescribed myself Starbucks, as necessary. 

 

The self-gratification gave me the energy, and the baristas were my bartender with greetings, daily conversations on virtually any subject we randomly thought of, and at times, healing wisdom. As my babies at a current particular Starbucks, India and Brandon, often did for me, their conversations were gestures of kindness. I have no idea how many times I divulged too much, but it was often at Starbucks. I drove to it, after a hard day at work or just to get away for a moment, and talked for a minute and ordered my halfie Americano. I came out with a sense of gratitude, beyond my own expectations. Joy, friendships, a crush or two, and a healthier mindset. 

 

I was never sure if this was true love, but every Christmas I prayed for each experience at my local Starbucks to be a joyful one. I believe this was true love as I could have it now, because it beats being alone. It will always be unconditional, and I will always treat Starbucks with deep love. This Christmas, even alone, I will still be in love, just not with a significant other, but with a franchise and all of its peoples. Why not?

 

Just write. 

All of my life, I saw the devil's hands of injustice played upon the fragile lives of the poor and also in the lives of my family. Everyone thought I was born into privilege by the color of my skin and from the historical lineage of my ancestors, but not a lot of people knew how hard we worked. 

 

At face value, others saw my face and defined me by the generalization of my features. The serious oval, boring black hair, indifferent eye brows, and round nose of a glutton. There was so much criticism of me, that prejudice was ingrained inside my life. I was seldom told I was beautiful or loving, so growing up, I tried to become something I desired, a woman with a gorgeous face and heart. Some days, I felt I failed, and thought I haven't done enough.

 

Grace never told me that I deserved to work for beauty or kindness. It told me that I was as I am, of grace and beauty. This gave me profound comfort and healing. Knowing I was loved and accepted, although the world said I was nothing special. Grace sought me during my ugly crying and lifted me as if I was a pure dove, letting me fly to perch on a rose. The thoughts of the injustices, unfairness in life, flaws of my self-criticisms, and just being plainly harsh on myself felt so yesterday. It wasn't something I wanted to keep. Grace threw it away, into the netherworld where those things belonged.

 

Some days I found it hard to think upon grace and not upon judgements. Some days, I fell into the well of self-pity, but there I found the grace I needed, unexpectedly and let it comforted me. Letting grace entered my soul was so right that all the wrongs disappeared, even when I was alone. I felt beautiful inside the arms of grace.

 

Grace was so beautiful, and I was born out of it.

 

Just write.

There was a vision of me holding on to a teddy bear so closely, gripping it to my heart, but a forceful wind took it away as it flew over a cliff. I felt lost without it and held on to it as if dear life. To witness a woman in her forties lost her bear felt odd, yet I kept clenching to the desire to find it again, pursuing it as if it was a goal in life. It felt the same with writing. I lost the chance to pursue creative writing, and now I clenched on the future to find it again. It felt as if I was in crisis, as the world told me so.

 

The truth was, I won't know until I did so. It was a dream and I was allowed, forever. It felt as if it was in crisis because I overcame violence, although it moved towards healing. I learned to surrender because I knew God needed His own working space and that was the only way miracles could come. The miracles of learning to write again. The time it took was still going on and I learned new ways each day. It was the most difficult but rewarding experience so far, aside from overcoming. 

 

I held on so tight to the bear that it flew out of my own hands, and it wasn't my intention. Sometimes moments of love and fulfillment came to me even without the bear, but I needed to let go. It was difficult to say, even as I typed these words onto my blogging space. It felt gray and formless, but I was molding into something new.

 

Just write.

Supposedly, our natural mindset leaned to the negative, but for a while it set off on fire overdrive going uphill. It was my life and I deserved to care and devote my utmost for its highest potential. This drive was for myself and my fullfilling prophecy of faith in times of CoVid19.

 

I pushed forward, one step in front of the other, ignoring the cycles of doubts. The thoughts became ignorable as I glossed over them and they were nothing at all. 

 

Nothing could stop me, even the rude blames of indecent women or men shifting their hatred towards me. Nothing. I was destined for greatness, given from God and professed by me under heaven. I was the strong tower and won't ever be shot down. 

My will was always designed with an unbeatable compassion and hope unfailing,even in the darkest of times while under pressure. I was the diamond, beautified by trauma and a well-oiled machine, Dei Gratia. I was never meant to fail and even when my hair grew long beneath my back and buttocks, it will flow with grace and passion. 

I persevered, and I won't stop!

 

Just write.

The performance ended with Giuseppe Baptiste and Pearsons Rockfield bowing in unison. Pearsons Rockfield jumped with his hands in the air and the small crowd jumped up with him.

 

"This morning is the beginning of a long list of performances all across the world in spirit of violas in the universe," said Giuseppe Baptiste.

 

Karina, Rambo and I looked at each other and wondered why there would even be such a thing? We ran behind the performance circle area and waited for them to have a dialogue of some sort.

 

Pearsons Rockfield came out of the circle and walked towards the back of the garden while Giuseppe Baptiste followed him.

 

I watched them walking towards me and looked at their fingers for signs of the ring that had the symbol of the machete and fire that brought back memories of the perpetrator who hurt Karina.

 

Karina stood behind me, as I felt her fears and tremors in her soul. 

"Baby, don't worry please. We're here for you," I told her. Rambo held her shoulders and we walked towards Pearsons and Giuseppe.

 

"May we bother you for a conversation? We are huge fans," I said politely. Karina and Rambo stayed a few feet behind me.

 

"Well, adoration is our favorite form of flattery," said Pearsons Rockfield. He took out his hair brush that was in his back pocket and started brushing his hair.

 

"Young one, oh you must love me so much to come so boldly for a chance to meet me. Tell me where I can sign my autograph," said Giuseppe Baptiste as he blinks Morse code - Worship me, you smitten puppy!

 

"Eehhh, I wanted to ask questions, for a simple clarification and for a statement from you both," I said.

 

Rambo came closer beside me, and said, "In adoration, of course...". 

I looked for Katina and she was holding Rambo's shirt. My Father came along behind her with Boris and Betina in the stroller.

 

"I also have some questions alongside my sons," said my Father. "And this here is Karina, my adopted daughter."

 

Giuseppe and Pearsons looked in awe as they closed their gaping mouth with their hands.

 

"Be Jesus, you mean you are all from different mothers of this same man? How might I be of your acquaintance sir!" said Pearsons Rockfield.

 

"No, no, not that way, but these two little ones are Karina's and she is a survivor, by men of The New Order, who assaulted her because of her soul privilege to gain prosperity and honor for their souls and to become famous or gain riches," said my Father.

 

I was ready to get shot somehow, by one of their body guards, but there were none.

 

"Oh we are non-violent, young ones," said Giuseppe Baptiste. "I was ordained as a holy priest."

 

"That's not how you came into power as was written in history," I said.

 

"We can resolve this," said Pearsons Rockfield. "I am his advisor."

 

"And how have you advised him, Sir Pearsons Rockfield? By letting the men who works for him abuse the system and hurt the vulnerables like Karina?" Rambo asked.

 

"Why you dare to raise your tongue at me?!" said Pearsons Rockfield.

 

"Explain to us why there are men with artillery and vehicles looking for the last of the Royals, only to harm them?" I asked. "Wasn't that how you also gained all of the control in the world."

 

Pearsons Rockfield turned reddish brown on his face as Giuseppe Baptiste began to stutter. "Bub bub but, that was not at all my purpose in this control," he said.

 

Pearaons Rockfield looked angry and his eyebrows scrunched and his balding head began to sweat as pearl drops rose from the top of his balding head.

 

"We have the power to prosecute you and kill you if we want!" Yelled Pearsons Rockfield.

 

"But you still need to prove to us that you are both non-violent," said my Father.

 

"Was it because of heart breaks? A woman scorned you? Hated you and burned you? She left you for another?" asked Karina. "I was hurt and the men never took responsibility for their actions."

 

"Why you little wench! You are blaming us for the sins of others?" shouted Pearsons Rockfield. Giuseppe Baptiste blinked and blinked and this time the message was - "Gogshiged whyandhb! &7¥hike?" 

My Fathers d I could read his blinks and I knew they were in fear. 

Immediately, two men as big as horses came approaching us. They were dressed in suits and ties and walked with an aggressive body language.

 

Karina shook and stood behind me, but she knelt down and took the stroller and held Boris inside her arm. "In this baby boy, is the answer to life," said Karina.

"Only fools would preach thus without shame," said Pearsons Rockfield.

 

"This baby has more love inside him than both of you and all of your armies," said Karina.

 

"How bold!" Giuseppe Baptiste said with a gasp. "What is your name?"

 

Pearsons Rockfield was irritated and elbowed Giuseppe Baptiste. "She is our opposition!"

 

"Why must I be your enemy? I've been hurt and never harmed you. Are you afraid of me?" asked Karina.

 

"Pearsons and Giuseppe, we want to know why you allowed your men to harm vulnerable people? And why would you hurt good families and hurt Royals, to get what you want?" I said.

 

Pearsons Rockfield and Giuseppe Baptiste we're silent. 

"Do you want to annihilate them, my Royal Highnesses?" Said the gargantuan men in suits and tie.

 

Pearsons Rockfield was noticeably irate with both of his hands akimbo. "I was forced into my last marriages and I won't do it again! From now on, I control everyone's destinies!" he said. "You dare to go against me? Huh! Insolents!"

 

My Father, Rambo, Karina and I gasped. Giuseppe Baptiste held his hands in between his legs, covering his shame, discreetly.

 

"That was your problem the whole time?" Karina asked.

 

"You married twenty times and you never got to choose the right person?" Why did you do it? No one twisted your arms?" asked Rambo.

 

"Because I was forced to marry for politics," said Pearsons Rockfield. "So now, I will control the world!"

 

"Giuseppe, who did you want to love?" I asked.

 

He shrugged his shoulders and raised his arms in the air, "Myself!!!'" 

"You are two of the most moronic people I have ever met!" My Father said. "It was because you never had love with the people you wanted so you punished the whole world? Why didn't you ask the person out and say your truths?"

 

"I married for money and privilege and for authority! But, they hated me. The right man was too much to handle," said Pearsons Rockfield.

 

My Father, Karina, Rambo and I gasped and held our hands over our lips. "Oh...," we all said in unison.

 

Giuseppe suddenly lowered his head and looked coy towards Pearsons Rockfield. "Sorry, dear,..." he said.

 

My Father, Karina, Rambo, and I gasped and held our hands over our right cheek. "Oh my,....," we said in unison.

 

Karina suddenly burst into tears, and hugged Pearsons Rockfield. "I'm sorry! Everyone deserves true love!"

 

Just write.

In less than a month, Christmas is upon us and we will face the arrival of the new year. My heart still yearns for a love true to my soul and I presume so does the rest of the world full of survivors. With each yearn of a hug now foreign from our normal everyday because of the global pandemic, I bless the world with a love story.

 

Each concoction of a fictional fairytale on true love, I will let it soar into the night's sky, in prayers for the maker of heaven and Earth to manifest for a life on this planet. It might not be perfect, with snowflakes or candies and roses, but it will be exceptional to the traditional expectations on a boy meets girl fable. 

 

The world needs a story worth telling, of a woman who we would never expect to find true love to meet a God send. It might not be realistic, nor at all possible, but why not? Why is it wrong for the world to witness true love in unexpected ways to a soul unexpected to survive? Won't it be novel? Won't it be lovely?

 

If a woman who believes in romance and true love to find it, it would be nice. But, all too common a story for a pretty woman to find what she's looking for. Why not a survivor with the most unworthy and grueling life to find a miracle. I know her, and it's not about me, but about a friend, and her miracle isn't at all two feet with a torso or a bank account. Her true love or miracle is found from something extra-ordinary, almost the way my life has been. Serendipitous. 

 

Might I say, true love is not always between humans, and it could very well be with an X-Box, but why discount that truth?

 

For now, I shall brew upon a story as soon as I find a conclusion to my short excerpt. In the mean time, dream and create, live and love.

 

Just write.

 

I saw a kitchen, and I cooked a home made meal. It was potato salad and bologna sandwiches, with three little kids around the table next to the sink. The space was tight, with a staircase across from the sink, and the kids were getting ready to put on the galoshes and coats. Princess Diana was next to me, and she fixed the sandwiches and told me, "Don't forget to drink the teas, it's the best thing in Winters."

 

I couldn't touch my own hands and I felt as an invisible spirit, but I saw my feet and white cotton long pajama. "Could I go with you?" I asked her. She said, "It's a field trip and you're to stay inside this house, and rest. Drink the tea, Diana. Don't forget," said Princess Diana. I loved the sound of her voice, soft and demure, lulling me to sleep. She told me that the children were hers, and she was their nanny, and the streets outside were cobbled stones with tall houses with slim spaces and old architecture. "But this is not Great Britain. It's somewhere else, and you won't know until later when I come back."

 

I slept with my head on the table, but left my handkerchief on the kitchen counter. My spirit came out of my body, and my hair was very long, with highlights, much the way it was now. The tea must be infused with valerian, and I didn't mind. The children were laughing outside as I softly overheard. "Have a good time while you are sleeping, Diana. Each night, and sleep comfortably even by yourself. It is the greatest gift," I heard her yelled outside of the door. I was still asleep with my head on the table, but my spirit watched the whole scene. 

 

The morning alarm went off, and I woke up from my dreamy state and had to go to work. I won't know what the dream meant, but it was peaceful and I loved it.

 

Just write.

As I jotted down memories of my triumphs and progress, I also remembered the struggles I went through. As an immigrant, I knew five other Indonesian immigrant women whom I met at random and from my close communities, who were assaulted and silenced. They only had visas and awaited their green cards, and I was only a U.S. Citizen for a year at the time. But, I was assaulted the first time when I had a green card as well. The second time I was assaulted, and I suspected they were connected, I was told "welcome to America," by the detective who took my case and told me that "it's not that I don't believe you, you had no evidence against this nice man." Both men who assaulted me were American citizens, priviledged and from well known families.

 

I wondered how many immigrant women were silenced because they were not U.S. Citizens and how many of them didn't receive any resources. I recalled applying for Medi-Cal twice because the first time, I was rejected and I believed it was because of my skin color. As an Asian woman, the system conglomerates all Asian races as one and the discrimination towards us because of the model minority myth gave the social services system a bias against me. I was not only silenced, I was ignored and told that based on my race, I didn't deserve the help.

 

I began to notice how the system became more discriminatory towards me, because I was an Indonesian immigrant, and because I was newly naturalized. I felt I was used as a weapon for the social problem of the United States to resolve the inequality in poverty through furthering my demise by the system. The way the police department handled my case, showed me that they could careless if I had died because I was Asian and Asians were not supposed to be raped; so they denied my case and closed it. The same went with disability and mental health services, as I applied twice and only got the mental health services and not the disability. If I was an immigrant of another race, would I have gotten the resources? This was California, where it was supposed to be more diverse. I felt as a sacrifice to even out the statistics to gratify other minority groups, and so did my fellow Indonesian immigrant survivors. I realized that there were more of us who were survivors who were silenced as sexual assault became more and more common in the United States and around the world.

 

The statistics often lied, because there were more Asians than truly reported. I knew from personal experience, but why did the system silenced us?

 

Just write.