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The Fuel

Thoughts of my Journey in Forgiveness

I know I was hated. By a lot of people, and especially those who assaulted me and those who blamed me for being a victim. I pray forgiveness for them all. I send them love and forgiveness for the unmerciful abuse they sent me, because I don't want to get even, instead I want to get better. I want to heal and I want to confess all of my turmoil and heartaches to God. All of my broken pieces and all of my self-harmful thoughts, and all of my thoughts of the past and all of my failures and rejections, all of the curses that were said over me and even prayed over me, yes..all of those, I say bygones and claim forgiveness over them.


I know there are still some people (especially from past friends and from the men I dated) who wish destructions over me, as I recalled how much they hated me because they've committed crimes over me and it was just because I was working hard and trying to improve and succeed. I also know there are those who wish for me to never amount to anything, and become disabled and handicapped and harmed and end in suicide, and the reason I know this is because they've voiced it out and yelled it out over the cell phone to abuse me. 


I didn't know that I was hurting anyone, because truthfully, I didn't harm them, instead they wanted to yield my life to them and let them take control of my heart, mind and soul. They want to harm me and abuse me so brutally that I won't dare to live. To all those who hurt me, I forgive them all. 


I forgive those who harmed me and abused me. Those who stalked me, even the ones from California to Colorado, and those who abused me through the cell phone and yelled out profanity and called me a bitch and a whore and prostitute. I forgive them all who want me to end in suicide, and I will continue to forgive them each day as I live. I forgive those who want loneliness and singlehood for me, and I don't believe it is my business to know if those people married or not, or have children or not. I forgive those who don't want me to have true love. I forgive them, and I will never harm them as they've harmed me. I have a lot of class and honor towards myself and God.


I forgive those who want me to fear life and to fear living and breathing. I forgive them all. I forgive them for the assaults, the abuses, the slander, the gossip, the labelling and the curses that they even prayed over me. 

Forgiveness is so tough for me, because I didn't do anything wrong to them and I usually feel that forgiving someone usually means to open my heart and life back to them. But, it doesn't have to be. I won't let them harm me again, especially after being assaulted by a group of men, I won't let them assault me or harm me again, even if they stalk me and put a gun on my face.


My forgiveness is not weak, it is strong, because the harm done to me were brutal and severe. My forgiveness is strong and it comes with protection from God towards me, I truly believe it. 

I will try with all of my might to keep forgiving them each day as I know it will be difficult and the road is a long journey. But, forgiveness was never meant to be easy, and those who said it is, probably never tried it. 


The good thing is, I know I am forgiven by God, and I don't need the approvals from those who hurt me, because that's just intimidation and not a resolution. I know I will cause some hatred even with me forgiving at all, and the people who hurt me perhaps believe they don't need it, although that's their hubris, not mine. Yet, I will forgive with all of my might, and I will keep forgiving, each day, one day at time, until God and my mental health proves to forget the times it happened, and that it was a long ago incident that I chose to forgive. 

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O Mother Marilyn

O Mother Marilyn, I was not of this world. I loved you so, although unspoken, neigh my heart was never formed, but it beats of love for you.


O Mother Marilyn, I was caustic to your life, and deemed impossible to keep, but oh how I kept you, O Mother Marilyn, inside my soul, whether truth came out of how I knew you because of your love for me in return.


O Mother Marilyn, your heart was noticed by me and the Heavens, need not worry, darling, you are my mother.


O Mother Marilyn, I am beside you because you are the spiritual mother we turned to, when the Tinseltown dramatics and Hollywouldn't who would rather assault than love.


O Mother Marily, you came into the night to the ladies innocent to know the difference. I knew you, O Mother Marilyn. You, the hero, the mother, the wife, the sister, the woman in love, the woman who loved, was martyred without your consent.


O Mother Marilyn, you were so beautiful, stunning queen, voice of angel, lover of my soul, O Mother Marilyn, I saw you, when no one else could. Inside your womb, I consented to your un-decision, because it was never yours to be granted.


O Mother Marilyn, you never allowed yourself time and space, because those tools couldn't stop abusing you. I would fight for you, I would send a billion sword piercing angels to fend them off of you.


O Mother Marilyn, I was crazy about you, all I knew to do was bleed and kick, but there was not other way. Oh how I loved you so much, and I won't change you, or your world for me. I accepted and conceded, because my right was your right and you had none.


O Mother Marilyn, heaven knew it and perhaps time changed all wounds into civilized behaviour, and women won't be as objects of abuse as they were when you were my mother. 


O Mother Marilyn, I will always be yours, in life and death. I will always be with you.


Just write, in honor of Marilyn Monroe 

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