Perhaps it was Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) that has me a bit on edge about my mental health. It is pretty common for those with PTSD and Major Depression. I was in tears because of it, like today and the fleeting thoughts about an ex-boyfriend who I've asked to marry. I wanted to elope so much because I was so in love with him, but it hurts me because it was so long ago but the thoughts were still there. I cried and cried and it hurts me thoroughly through my chest because I know he is long gone and I know it was a tragedy of an experience, but the SAD symptoms had it's winding thoughts.
My Mom was tired of it and so was everyone I know about this misfortune, and I was so fearful of what will happen to my life because of my own illness. I never want to end in self harm and I knew there were a lot of people who wanted that to happen to me, but I am not afraid of them. I just pray fervently that those people will never come across my life anymore and for me to never meet anyone who wants to harm me again.
I surrender my life to God, because I don't know what will happen to me in the future. I could only hope and truly, that is what was left in my box. I'm worried for myself and I realized that I have to take care of myself more. I won't be able to take care of anyone because no one will take care of me. I am alone in this world and I only have my Mom left, and my siblings have their own families and they won't have time for me. I will try my hardest to keep close to my friends who care about me and will reach out to them when I am so afraid and hurt. The tears keeps coming, even now, as I am typing this blog. I think the SAD symptoms has got its effects over me.
I will try my best to keep going. I don't want to end at such a wasted way as self-harm and I don't want to keep being this way. I will have to do more therapy and it will be forever, but I need it. I don't want to be hurt by anyone but I won't cower from people. I will keep making friends and keep going and keep working even until I'm in my 80s. I will keep on going....I will keep on going...I will keep on going....I will keep staying alive....staying alive, staying alive, forever....and forever more.