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The Fuel

Grateful for what it is

There was a time when I didn't know why I existed and why I was placed with such predicaments as sexual assaults all of my life. I was harmed and I didn't know how to cope, but today I felt like a changed woman. I didn't want to remember the incidents although one day I will remember it again and I will have to recount them, but I felt warmly accepting of the fact that was my past and I won't be able to change it.


I realized I'm just one former victim now survivor and will become a thriver. I was just being molded into something beautiful and although the assaults weren't supposed to happen, I won't discount that it did shape me. Through rough edges and every type of psychiatry, I tried a lot of psychotherapy and I am happy that I utilized my sources. I am grateful and will always live in that mode forever. I won't want to live as an ingrate with the temper of an old dementia patient. I want to live to 100 with joy and gratefulness in my heart. 


I don't know if I will become a writer or not and actually, it's not my goal to be famous and celebrated. I just want to share my story and perhaps I can help someone somehow. My story is tough and it is full of tragedies and although it makes for a good book, I still have fears that the enemies will laugh and tear my books apart. The memories that shapes my books and drives my creative mind also sometimes gives me it's own traumas.


I remembered the time when my journal was stolen in college and copied and spread all over campus until I ran to the nearest bathroom and tried to calm myself down from the panic attack. I realized I had enemies then and I still have enemies now. Those doubts are all about them and my fears all came from those incidences. It still scares me, even now. But, I will try my best to uphold my desires and work for my goals to flourish towards gratitude.


Some writers have it easy with their journals and their educations and MFAs...but even then, they also have their tragedies. I won't lie, I am scared to death of never sharing my story at all and I end up becoming a has been, and a folktale of a survivor who worked hard on writing only to find herself to die trying. I still remember the curses and abuses from those women and men who wanted me to fail, because it is so hard to shake off. Yet, I will try my best to not think of negatives and sleep well while thinking three positive thoughts. 


Here is to being the underdog, and the one without the degrees in writing or a PhD in anything. I will keep working and keep being grateful, no matter how long it takes to make the content I'm dreaming about. So here is to being grateful and being content, as I am, and working on my goals to help me grow in the long run.



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I can't wait to get older!

I'm at a point where I don't care what happens, I just want to live to 100. I know other people have the opposite reactions and would love to just live to 70, but not this girl. After watching The Golden Bachelor last night, I am so excited to get older, not because of the prospect of having love at an older age, but I think people become kinder if they're aging with supportive people around them. Right now, I have girlfriends and guy friends who are so kind and they are so supportive and happy that I'm helping my Mami and writing and working retail at a place that makes me happy. I'm really excited about getting older and being with my friends and hanging out talking about everything life has to offer, even as we are all aging gracefully. 


I know, and it was verified by their stalking phone calls and abusive phone calls that some people aren't happy that I'm getting support and writing and being happy, but to hell with them. I could care less if they died. They've never been that nice to me and they just wanted to use me to get to better people and most of all, the women I was friends with want to abuse me to get to my boyfriends and ex-boyfriends. I have enough worries with caring for my Mami, so those people should already be happy anyway because they succeeded in abusing me and I did nothing to harm them.


I'm happy that I'm writing, and it makes me happy and it heals me. Some days I'm writing nonsense and writing about my traumas and heart aches, but I'm still writing. Other days, I am writing about hopes and faiths and walking with confidence that someone out there received hope and help from my writing. I'm really thinking deep about the things I write and I do write it to help others and not to just help myself. I'm 100% writing to help myself already, but the thought of it helping others, gives me a lift that no one can take. My craft will only get better as I age and I'm so excited! I can't wait to get more mature and to enjoy my maturity. My late Papi sometimes tells me that I'm like a kid, but I know I was a mature kid because I was already taking care of my parents by the age of 35. I'm happy I did, and the happiness took maturity.


With my Mami, I'm so happy that I'm caring for her. Some days it is heart breaking to see her ache and I was scared when she fell down while walking on the sidewalk, but even during the pains, there was joy and I'm happy with her. I'm not always thinking about marriage or thinking about love all the time. I just walk my life and just keep it going with my job, my Mami and my writing and my pup, Mimi. Life is going to get better, and I'm excited to get older because I think by that time, no one will care if I'm dating or not (thanks to The Golden Bachelor, I now believe that I can be found by true love), and no one will care to sabotage that relationship because I've had problems with women sabotaging me and hurting me since I was 15 years old.


I am excited, and I am hopeful, THANK YOU THE GOLDEN BACHELOR. I am now happy that I watched this show, after getting bored of the violence and trauma associated with the show the past few years.  I am a fan. 




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Miracles of Joy

The rush of wind directed my puppy, Mimi, around the corner of a neighborhood where we walked this morning. She kept steering me to the inner hamlet in Loveland, and I noticed I was the only person on the street. Hundreds of Autumn leaves were on the ground as a rush of wind came and made the rustling noise as the leaves walked on the ground towards me. My mood changed for good because of the moment of beauty of leaves walking on the street and even Mimi stopped to witness its miracles towards my mental health. It was so pretty that I was in awe and recorded it on my IG and had to post a realization that these small moments curbed depression and seasonal affect disorder. I was so happy because it was so beautiful and I will always remember to savor moments like these in my life.


Another small miracle of joy came to me when my father passed away in 2021. It was snowing and I wanted to take a long walk outside to relieve some stress. A woman was walking her dog and one of them was a miniature puppy that was weeks old, and we were the only two people on the side walk walking. I couldn't pass the moment without petting the miniature cuteness. For a moment, my tears subsided and the woman asked me what was wrong. I told her that my father had passed away and she empathized because it was still Covid-20 time and we were to stay in our dwellings for quarantine procedures as she understood my sorrows. I asked her if petting her puppy was okay and she was happy to help me and let me cuddle with him. 


Once I was driving with tears in my eyes from work in 2022 because some co-workers were abusive to me and took my belongings and I couldn't stop sobbing. Out the corner of my windshield, I saw a huge bird that turned out to be an eagle perching on the electric pole as it spread its wings to show it off to me. I stopped crying because it was glorious and I was breathless because it was such a big bird and I rarely see eagles in the area.


Something brought these small miracles into my life, and I knew that it was The Almighty. I didn't ask for it, because it came to me at desperate moments, and I did pray for God to intervene in my sadness and bring me joy. I believe my prayers were answered and I know He will help me throughout my life. I realized it and I now have proof that He is faithful to me. All I wanted was help and that was my prayer, God Help Me. And now I know.... He showed me up.



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Fleeting Thoughts

Perhaps it was Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) that has me a bit on edge about my mental health. It is pretty common for those with PTSD and Major Depression. I was in tears because of it, like today and the fleeting thoughts about an ex-boyfriend who I've asked to marry. I wanted to elope so much because I was so in love with him, but it hurts me because it was so long ago but the thoughts were still there. I cried and cried and it hurts me thoroughly through my chest because I know he is long gone and I know it was a tragedy of an experience, but the SAD symptoms had it's winding thoughts.


My Mom was tired of it and so was everyone I know about this misfortune, and I was so fearful of what will happen to my life because of my own illness. I never want to end in self harm and I knew there were a lot of people who wanted that to happen to me, but I am not afraid of them. I just pray fervently that those people will never come across my life anymore and for me to never meet anyone who wants to harm me again. 


I surrender my life to God, because I don't know what will happen to me in the future. I could only hope and truly, that is what was left in my box. I'm worried for myself and I realized that I have to take care of myself more. I won't be able to take care of anyone because no one will take care of me. I am alone in this world and I only have my Mom left, and my siblings have their own families and they won't have time for me. I will try my hardest to keep close to my friends who care about me and will reach out to them when I am so afraid and hurt. The tears keeps coming, even now, as I am typing this blog. I think the SAD symptoms has got its effects over me. 


I will try my best to keep going. I don't want to end at such a wasted way as self-harm and I don't want to keep being this way. I will have to do more therapy and it will be forever, but I need it. I don't want to be hurt by anyone but I won't cower from people. I will keep making friends and keep going and keep working even until I'm in my 80s. I will keep on going....I will keep on going...I will keep on going....I will keep staying alive....staying alive, staying alive, forever....and forever more.



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Thoughts of my Journey in Forgiveness

I know I was hated. By a lot of people, and especially those who assaulted me and those who blamed me for being a victim. I pray forgiveness for them all. I send them love and forgiveness for the unmerciful abuse they sent me, because I don't want to get even, instead I want to get better. I want to heal and I want to confess all of my turmoil and heartaches to God. All of my broken pieces and all of my self-harmful thoughts, and all of my thoughts of the past and all of my failures and rejections, all of the curses that were said over me and even prayed over me, yes..all of those, I say bygones and claim forgiveness over them.


I know there are still some people (especially from past friends and from the men I dated) who wish destructions over me, as I recalled how much they hated me because they've committed crimes over me and it was just because I was working hard and trying to improve and succeed. I also know there are those who wish for me to never amount to anything, and become disabled and handicapped and harmed and end in suicide, and the reason I know this is because they've voiced it out and yelled it out over the cell phone to abuse me. 


I didn't know that I was hurting anyone, because truthfully, I didn't harm them, instead they wanted to yield my life to them and let them take control of my heart, mind and soul. They want to harm me and abuse me so brutally that I won't dare to live. To all those who hurt me, I forgive them all. 


I forgive those who harmed me and abused me. Those who stalked me, even the ones from California to Colorado, and those who abused me through the cell phone and yelled out profanity and called me a bitch and a whore and prostitute. I forgive them all who want me to end in suicide, and I will continue to forgive them each day as I live. I forgive those who want loneliness and singlehood for me, and I don't believe it is my business to know if those people married or not, or have children or not. I forgive those who don't want me to have true love. I forgive them, and I will never harm them as they've harmed me. I have a lot of class and honor towards myself and God.


I forgive those who want me to fear life and to fear living and breathing. I forgive them all. I forgive them for the assaults, the abuses, the slander, the gossip, the labelling and the curses that they even prayed over me. 

Forgiveness is so tough for me, because I didn't do anything wrong to them and I usually feel that forgiving someone usually means to open my heart and life back to them. But, it doesn't have to be. I won't let them harm me again, especially after being assaulted by a group of men, I won't let them assault me or harm me again, even if they stalk me and put a gun on my face.


My forgiveness is not weak, it is strong, because the harm done to me were brutal and severe. My forgiveness is strong and it comes with protection from God towards me, I truly believe it. 

I will try with all of my might to keep forgiving them each day as I know it will be difficult and the road is a long journey. But, forgiveness was never meant to be easy, and those who said it is, probably never tried it. 


The good thing is, I know I am forgiven by God, and I don't need the approvals from those who hurt me, because that's just intimidation and not a resolution. I know I will cause some hatred even with me forgiving at all, and the people who hurt me perhaps believe they don't need it, although that's their hubris, not mine. Yet, I will forgive with all of my might, and I will keep forgiving, each day, one day at time, until God and my mental health proves to forget the times it happened, and that it was a long ago incident that I chose to forgive. 

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