Diana Kurniawan

I sat down and turned off the engine to my car and sat in the stillness of morning with just the darkness before dawn. I took my phone and searched for a song in my playlist. You raise me up by Josh Groban played on, and I closed my eyes. Inside my mind, I saw my Papi on his hospital bed, heaving from the COVID-19 damage to his lungs. We, his family, were told he just had two more hours to live before he will pass because of the severe damageto his lungs and lack of air. 

I remembered uttering, "Papi, you did a great job with your life," and went on to describe his retirement from Target after 26 years and his trips to Europe with Mami afterwards. It felt like yesterday that he was just sitting on the couch, watching the Great British Baking Show with me, while predicting who will win the trophy. I don't know what it was about May, but I felt his presence most in the Spring time more than any other time during the year. I love reminiscing about him, because he was a good father. He was my beacon of light and I trusted him more than anything. 

My tears rolled down my cheeks and the time said 6:45 am. I listened to Josh Groban, opened my eyes, and sat in the memories of Papi with joy. I knew he was looking out for me and wanted to tell me something this morning. Inside my heart was a whisper, stay in gratitude and stay with Mami and take care of her. Those were the messages I received as I sat in the stillness of dawn this time. The sun rose to the sky and the darkness disappeared with birds flying and I closed my eyes once more. I let the playlist went on, and the next song was Say You Love Me by Jennifer Knapp, and I was humbled. I knew Papi was listening to me. My lips began to move in prayers and I uttered, "Papi, look out for me from heaven."

There was no evidence in the physical and there was no scientific explanation to what happened to Papi after death, but I knew he was in heaven. I just knew from the small moments that came to me in the stillness of morning, or during prayer time, during my moments of depression and during my joys. I knew something was holding me together, keeping me humble and sane, and letting me enjoy my true self. The memories of Papi's kindness are and will always be inside my heart and mind, and that makes it easier for me to remember the joyful times with him.

I know there weren't any explanations of how much he loved me and if he really was watching over me, but the Holy Spirit told me so.

#JustWrite

The rain began to trickle down about two in the afternoon with first just localized rain, then perhaps areas more vast than just a city. I enjoyed the rain on my palms as I walked out to my car after work at four as it was still pouring. I was so happy for it, and I was so happy for a peaceful and calm day today. I couldn't ask for anything more, except that my pain in my leg to go away. 

I put too much pressure on my right leg and it is now sore, but I'm grateful that my weeding was done. I am grateful today compared to yesterday, when I woke up fearful. Today I am so happy and at peace. I worked all day and there were no interruptions from even the customers. Everything was smooth sailing and time went by so quickly.

I will pray for more days like this and more peaceful and calm days where it may feel mundane but it is actually a lovely time. I recalled the times when my life was tumultuous that I couldn't sleep at night and stayed all night praying because I was so afraid. Nowadays, I stay up because I drank too much tea. Time has changed all things and although the changes may be through grief or loss or just change, it has been full of a time to surrender. Surrendering is good for the soul. I will keep doing so.

In the spirit of joy and love, I will stay offline for a bit, and work on my own things for now. I will see you soon and update soon.

Until next time,

#JustWrite.

I woke up today with a fear inside my heart and it made me feel so small. Some days I wake up with an intense fear and it makes me feel so discouraged at my life. Perhaps it was my medication but it might also be because of my hormones. Being in the age of menopausal symptoms makes for a harsh story and it doesn't have to be that way. 

I promised myself to take care of myself. I promised to give myself treats and to listen to uplifting podcasts that will help me. People like Joyce Meyers has helped and it will be a good podcast to listen to for my future to come. I am grateful that technology has made it so that we can all benefit from podcasts and any form of audio sermons and talk shows. I really thrive with the things that helped me so far with those podcasts. 

The fear will be unbearable if I wasn't with medicine and I realized that it is my PTSD and Depression that gets me to be this way. I have to be more intentional in helping myself to calm down and to have peace. I always pray for peace but more so these days. It is good to live without the nerves of having a fear of the future, and to keep learning to stay in the present. 

I will keep battling with the PTSD and Depression and I will keep thriving when the fear comes. I will keep casting it out and keep it at bay. For now, I have work today and it is still five in the morning with a whole new day ahead of me.

Good tidings.

#JustWrite

I realized I was poor when my bank account kept over drafting more than once in three months. It has been tough, and I won't lie, I went through trials and depression because of it. 

But, today...something changed. I realized that I was poor and I was happy. I remembered the song lyric by Puff Daddy that said, More Money More Problems, and it was so true. I only have problems with paying my bills, yet I pay them all on time. I have problems with not having more money to spend but I didn't need much. I didn't want to be rich like Puff Daddy, look where he is now!

I realized that by me being poor, means that everyone else that hurt me was rich and doing well. I stopped comparing, when before I was comparing non-stop of how the haters were doing and I would search online on their whereabouts and their progress. I stopped doing so, and it was freeing. I felt that I didn't need to compare anymore and I didn't need to care anymore because they would all have better lives than me anyhow. I knew I was poor and I might be  at the lowest point in my life, but I didn't feel it. I am grateful that I am not in abject poverty, but I am still low income. Yet, I am happy. 

I know I'm single and have no prospects, and I won't be able to have kids, which meant I will be childless forever. Yet, those facts helped me with my day today. By realizing that everyone was married and have their own lives and their own high paying jobs, meant they were busy. Which meant, I might have lost in the game of prominence and success, yet I felt like I was fine. I didn't care. I stopped caring and I didn't owe them anything. I was working my own life and my own time line and my own future. The best is yet to come for me, while I stopped caring whether it was going to make anyone upset at me. I didn't care about the bitches who wanted me dead, because they're probably busy.

I always had the fear that someone would be angry that I was happy, that my happiness meant that someone wanted to harm me later. I stopped thinking that today. I realized today that I was so poor that nothing would bother the haters with my life. I realized that I was not their competition anymore and I was no longer in the competing game at all. I realized I was just not going to be a matter to anyone with my life. I am living my own life and my own legacy and it was comforting to me. I know who I belong to, and where and with whom my identity lies, and therefore, those past thoughts won't matter anymore. 

I realized a lot of thing today, and it is Sunday today. What revelations did heaven provided for me? It was everything, I believe. 

#JustWrite.

I wrote a blog before this one and it was about how I felt grateful and calm with my life thus far. I erased it.

To tell you the truth, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that all people want is my suffering and posting it as a blog so they can savor the moment of my suffering and feel victorious.

I have so much fear when I'm writing this blog and writing about my life in general. It hurts me to know that there are people out there who want me to suffer and to work at Walmart all of my life and never amount to anything with my writing and that makes them feel happy. To never be able to retire and to succumb to be a cashier all of my life and become less and less fortunate as the days go on. There is nothing wrong with being a cashier at Walmart, but I want to write. I want to write books that I have in me and share my stories. I wish everyone would wish me well. I wish everyone wants me to succeed and triumph, but that's not the case.

It has been my dream to become a writer and I'm pursuing it, but I know there are people who hate me for it. They want me to fail and end at suicide or even better stay stagnant and never reach my potential. I tell myself each day that I have the right to pursue my dream and not have to feel the hurt from others, but there is still a fear. Fear that people who read this blog will use it against me and make me suffer even more. People who would steal ideas and words and use it against me. I worry that those who hates me want malice, hatred, jealousies and death.

I'm afraid that my supervisors will even try to get me written up if they know that I'm writing and pursuing my writing on top of work and helping my Mom. I wonder if they even care, but a part of me has this fear that they want me to work there and never move up or leave, but to grow old and become rotund and end in self harm.

I talk about self harm a lot because I've suffered from it for over a decade and I believe it was about 15 years. I suffered from suicidal ideations for a very long time, and it still lingers at times when something bad happens to me or someone is mean to me. I still have a hard time getting if off my back when I have anxiety. I get to that point often and I worry about myself so much that I would get even more anxious and it becomes a round about busy thoughts. 

I had so much potential, but it all seems to have disappeared and the only thing that's keeping alive is writing. I will try my best and I hope it will be good. I hope people who read this will wish me well and those who know that I'm pursuing writing will also wish me well. I hope I don't have anymore enemies, and I hope my dreams come true. 

#JustWrite