I just finished All Over But the Shoutin by Rick Bragg and I am inspired by his writing and his life, the same way I was inspired by David Carr's memoir. There was one thing they had in common, they both experienced the demon of alcoholism, although through different lenses. I loved how both writers controlled their substances although with Carr, it was a struggle. Rick Bragg was a product of an alcoholic father and also a domestic violent home, and I was so moved by how he changed that situation in his life to pursue something he loved, and succeeded.
I was reminded of my old friend, Jeff, who died of suicide from an overdose, who was also a writer. He wanted so much to become a full time staff to write his sports columns or to just work as a reporter somewhere in the world. He made a huge impact on me because he used to pray for me and kept me focused on writing my first novel back then in 2015-2021. I was full of anxiety and fears and Jeff helped me calm down and talked things through with me through his experience with therapy and also through scripture. He was able to rationalize certain things in writing that I didn't realize. But, he was an alcoholic and his demons kept coming back, each time more vicious than before. He eventually lost his space at the time as he was living with his cousin, and then renting a piece of couch to live on with a friend. He became homeless and addicted to drugs again. He died on the street and was found by my best friend's brother. I was devastated.
Jeff was talent. I saw his writing and he was capable of writing a page one column for a county newspaper and a high school newspaper, without the training for a journalist. He was in his thirties and he had a whole future ahead of him, but his demons controlled him, and he couldn't stay disciplined. Talent alone couldn't save him, even with page one headlines as a paying gig for him, that wasn't paying much but could earn him a few hundred bucks at the end of the month. I saw Rick Bragg's talent in Jeff, and although Jeff didn't make it, I learned so much from him. I found that to keep going, we need to nurture our talents and take care of ourselves more than we worked. I needed to find pleasure in keep myself sane with my mental health, instead of searching for pleasure.
I also learned a lot from Rick Bragg's stories and writing and his tenacity to keep on going, after much let downs. Perhaps it was part luck on his part and Jeff just didn't have the luck (and neither do I), but I also realized that Rick Bragg had a hard life in the first thirty years of his life, and he worked hard. I don't know how Rick Bragg had so much confidence in his writing, but it showed and it is fascinating. It took him years to get to where he is now, and his persistence to want to achieve was unquenchable.
Now, about me...what will become of me? I don't know, and I don't know the future, but I hope it is bright and I will keep praying and staying optimistic about my life and my writing. I'm no paragon of a budding writer, because I don't have the ego of one. I need to gain some more confidence in my writing. Besides, I'm not even sure if what I"m doing is called writing, it might be called loathing. But, let's not get too technical about it. I don't want to be a pessimist anymore. I will keep writing and keep learning from those before me.
I am just grateful I'm not an alcoholic or an addict in general. I have anxiety issues, PTSD and Depression, but they're manageable. I don't have drug dealers offering me meds and drugs, and also, I think the drugs I'm taking are enough to kill a horse anyway, so I don't need more. One thing I am grateful for is, I'm still alive and I can even die trying. I know the chances are slim to none, but here's hopin' right? I think I have enough talent to keep me going, and I have enough tenacity to keep writing. Hence, the #JustWrite that I created, to remind myself that I can transfrom a blank page into something poignant for others to read, with the intent of healing, entertainment, and education.
#JustWrite