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The Fuel

Shadenfraude or just cruelty

This past Saturday was a little difficult for me. A woman had broken up my past relationship in 2012 and it was my last relationship before I gave up on dating. I was broken after that relationship ended, and just wanted to take care of my parents and take care of myself to mend from the PTSD. The woman since then became successful in journalism and her mom paid me a visit at the retail store where I worked and gloated to me that her daughter, the same woman who hurt me, became a big time news editor at Associated Press, and pointed out that I was working and serving her at the retail store. I didn't care what they did and how successful they are, but they hurt me. I was hurt that Saturday and on the day after, I was triggered from the PTSD that I had and couldn't stop the losing thought that spiraled in me and almost lead to suicidal thoughts again. 

 

I realized that they still had a vendetta towards me, and for what? I would never know. I never hurt them and as far as I was concerned, I never tried to hurt them in any way, shape or form. The woman's mother just kept stalking me, first at Rocky Mountain Church in Niwot, then to my retail store and I am not sure if she will continue to do it again or not, but one would never know. I think they will try to do it again in the future to just push my buttons and hurt me, and I think they did it to make themselves feel more confident and egotistical. 

 

I realized now that people don't know that journeys in life are independent and exclusive. The journey of a human being cannot be compared to another and no matter what they will do to me, I will know that my faith is bigger than their cruelty. They just wanted me to feel so bad that I become suicidal again, and they want me to feel ruined and in turn ruin my own life. They wanted a cycle of self harm to happen to me again, but this time, I had friends who helped me, and my faith was stronger. 

 

A woman who I worked with told me that she was a former professor from University of Denver and she has a Phd in Business and Accounting, and works with me because she didn't want to feel alone at home after her mother had passed away. Another friend who retired wanted to be closer to his grandchildren and was a former professor from The University of Iowa in Biochemistry and taught Biomedical Engineering. Another one just retired from his career and didn't get enough social security to make ends meet. Another coworker was a student and just barely going to college in his thirties and needed to make ends meet to pay for his schooling. There are so many of my co-worker and friends who helped me and told me that I was winning and not losing, because I was caring for my Mom and that act was irreplaceable. I found out that I was fulfilling my purpose as well, through helping others while I was at work in conversations, as I took every opportunity to help lift up the hearts of my coworkers each time I saw them. I looked outside of the store and saw the homeless and how cold they were from the bitter winter weather. I sometimes give them my change and often times I would give change to other homeless person outside of other grocery stores. 

 

I took my attention to the Southern California Fires and just donated some monies to Baby2Baby and some GoFundMe pages. I felt complete and thriving, and realized that their words and works of the enemies were just fleeting. It was enough to hurt me and make me feel sad for a moment, but I still know that I was dignified and strong because I am helping my Mom and I am helping myself with my writing. 

 

It took some days to forgive them, but I forgave them. I realized they weren't mature enough to handle life. They felt that they had to hurt others to make themselves feel good. They wanted to burn my candle and eventually lead me to suicide to make themselves superior. It was a common mistake of dumb people recently rising to the top. God will take care of them for me and I know He will bring together everything for the good of those who loves Him. I will keep praying. 

 

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The fear ran away like a banshee

I woke up this Sunday morning with a little more weariness and fear, but that all soon subsided. The day before, I felt uneasy and worried from negative and losing thoughts with dreadful fears of the future. Those thoughts carried on through the night, and thusly, woke up with a little more angst. 

 

To my surprise, those all subsided.

 

I decided to pray and decided to take up arms with the Holy Spirit and wanted to make my day a brighter day by making a smarter decision on how to follow through my own thoughts. I spent it with a smile, and with the anticipation that it would be a cozy day, despite the sub-zero temperature. The dark skies when I woke up at 5 am made me happy that I could spend another day facing another moment of grace called life. The piercing cold almost washed away the fears and the dreadful thoughts, and renewed my soul. 

 

I thought this whole Sunday was going to be a terrible idea of a day, but it was the opposite. I wanted to help others and that service mentality carried through my day with joy. I served some donuts and hot cocoa at the store, and my supervisor who decided to make the customer appreciation gesture, welcomed my enthusiasm and pointed me as the keeper of the station for several hours. 

 

I enjoyed the time and the time enjoyed me, as did the customers and the people around me. I didn't think that my day was going to be better, but I surrendered to the Alimighty and helped my own conscience to be a better person. I wanted to feel better and therefore, I felt better. It was mind over matter this morning. I chose joy and searched for joy by praying and soaking in the mercy of the warmth inside the store instead of the cold outside.

 

I felt comfortable and I was thankful for what I have. My job, my health, my Mom, my puppy, my siblings, and my niece and nephews and my sister's in laws, the friends I have, and the basic necessities I was blessed with. I was so thankful for the mercy I had from God, and those gracious blessings didn't go unnoticed. I was thriving by the end of the day and I knew that my life mattered. The thoughts of my losing and negative life took itself away and it ran away like banshee. It was glorious. I won. I won the day and will keep praying that today, tomorrow, and the day after and this moment and the next moment will all be surrendered to God. It will be beautiful, graceful, and joyful. It was my calling to experience this and I am forever grateful.

 

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Tough day and rough thoughts

Healing is a tough gig. It has ups and downs and comparisons and losing and winning and frayed thoughts. Today I felt I lost to the war of survivor life. I didn't have suicidal thoughts, but I had losing thoughs. It hurts. And that's the tough part of being on this journey of healing. I sought help, but I needed to set up an appointment with my psychotherapist. I couldn't talk to my old friends, because they no longer respond out of compassion fatigue. It's a hard journey. I will mend, but this was all I had in my head at this time. It will get better, and I will be better in this life. 

 

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Being Better with Myself

On New Years Eve, I was sick. I was so sick that I slept at five in the afternoon and woke up the next day to go to work at five in the morning. I was so sick that whole time and all I wanted to have this year was a healthy year. Not only that, perhaps it was the flu that caught my thoughts in a wind to think of the people I lost, but I was reminded of Jeff and Jeff. Two Jeffs that I knew although they didn't know each other, who lost their lives in the Summer of 2023 from self-harm. I thought of them and thought of how much mental health affects our lives. 

 

This year, as I am on the mend, I want to be healthy, mind, body and soul. I wanted to start a new year's resolution, but I won't call it that. I will call it just being a better me. I don't want to sound so cliche of starting a resolution but finding it hard to keep up, instead I want to just keep myself at bay with my mental health to be able to have a healthier mindset. Speaking life to myself, and to others. Being optimistic to myself and to others. Minding my own business, and won't ask about personal things towards others unless they volunteer to. I want to be mindful of my own capacity of humanity in the raw. I don't want to overexert myself and become so overwhelmed that I am thinking too much. 

 

I will keep it simple, and chill down. Not becoming too super excited when something crazy happens in politics or becoming angry when something bad happens with the new Trump Administration (I didn't vote for him). I will just keep a low profile and just chill. Just chillin' means just keeping steady too, and it will eventually help me in the long run. I plan to pray often, just being me and keeping my spiritual vitamin at a high level so I can level up when grouchy customers come my way at work. 

 

This year, I will just want to maintain calm, remembering my friends, especially those who have been there for me in the deepest darkest days, and being cool as a cucumber on other days to keep myself sane. Just being better will help me in the long run, I believe. I will take that to my driving skills too, not driving too fast, just right and just relaxing behind the wheel, not rushing to anything. I will read more and do more yoga, and be better at becoming myself. I want to prepare for my 49th and 50th birthday to be more comfortable in my skin. I want to be able to say to myself down the line, that I was practicing mindfulness by just being a better me. I want to look back when I'm 80 or 90 or even 100, that I started this journey at becoming a better me with mindfulness a long time ago and I am becoming better and better as a person.

 

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