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The Fuel

My Lamentations

Father, Have I forsaken you? Why am I afflicted with the mental ailments? When my panic attacks consumes me and leaves me without answers and I gasp for air of the tribulations and desperate need for oxygen? Father, have you not seen my distresses and the hatred of those who hate me and want me to leave this Earth? They come in hundreds and they all pray the same cursed prayers for death of my life. Please Father, have mercy upon my soul and upon my body, mind and health, restore my blessings and restore my mind to peace and calm, as I toil with panic attacks and my work becomes a dreaded occupation. Please help me, so I can work my field and be amongst my friends who love me and care for me at work where I can help the community and heal my life. Have mercy on this servant as I work with my peers and want to complete my mission and purpose to write, pray and labor with joy, so that these panic attacks won't hinder your blessings. Father hear my prayers and laments, as I feel curses over me and into my life from those who hate me and want heartaches and sufferings to harm me. Please cast out demons from my life, my soul, my health and mind so those who do have the powers to offend you with curses and tremors towards me are dumbfounded and avail to nonsense.


Father, help me so I know what to do during these trial times and evening pursuits of labor and mercy so I know how to handle myself. Please help me so I won't be harmed and I won't end my life. Please help my thoughts from spiraling and unknown thoughts of harm towards myself when I don't know what to do during these panic attacks. Please cast out the demons of hopelessness from me. Please cast out panic attacks out of my heart, mind, and soul and even the medications that need to be amended, please guide me through it. Please help me live and help me to live without these burdens of mental ailments although it is a diagnosis, but it doesn't have to be a life burden. Please help me so I know how to handle myself and how I can carry my life and how to carry my illness and how to cope from it. Please forgive me for the things I don't mean to do and for the things I did that was wrong in Your eyes. Help me, God, don't place me in the predicaments of failures and harm. I pray and plead that You will place me in the places of thriving success and to see my growth and my maturity flourish. Please help me, Jesus, to pluck out and cast out the panic attacks from me and the chest I breathe in and out from, to please help me thrive and breathe in love and exhale compassion and to keep breathing in and out for service for You, Jesus. Please have mercy upon me, Jesus, please Father God, hear my lamentations and hear my cry as I suffer these panic attacks during the days and evenings and I cannot function properly without proper breath. Please help me. Cast out these panic attacks from me, forever. Amin.



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In case you're reading this....and in case you are alone.

Sometimes I hang on by a string, and I could hardly speak of my trauma. It all started when I was abused, since I was young. There was so much fear inside me and I often felt I won't make it in life to be a stable adult. I still felt this way, even now. I just hope and pray that those moments won't spiral and I end with suicidal ideations. For some people, like me, there would be moments when it feels like no one cares. If you do feel this way, dial 988 or dial 911. I don't want you to think that you were meant to leave this Earth before your time. You're important to me, and I have so much compassion for those who have mental health issues.


When I tried to end my life, I almost swallowed all of my pills and another time, I wanted to slash my wrist; but there came a moment when my late father broke the door down when I was in the bathtub, and the earlier time, when my brother slapped my hands from swallowing my pills. There were people who cared about me, and I was lucky. AND.... I know there are people who cares about you.


If you want to end your life, don't. It's a deadly solution for a temporary problem. The thoughts are fleeting and often it comes in spurts, as I deal with PTSD and Depression and I know first hand, how the trauma works. 


Just Breathe, and let it bubble through you and dial 988. At the other end of the phone is a person who cares for you. 


Today is September 10, 2023, and it is World Suicide Prevention Day. I lost friends from suicide (5), and as a suicide survivor (a person who attempted but lived through it), I want you to know that I feel it is more profitable that I lived than died. I have so much to show and to give the world, even when those asshole haters still want me to die and trust me, they come often into the fleeting thoughts, and the memories of the assaults and the bullying still hurts, but don't hang around those thoughts. You are meant to live, not to die. 


Today is special for me, because I survived it and I'm a survivor, and I survived through so much. I love you, and I know you, and if you don't think I do, just let me know that you are a suicide survivor and I already know you by heart. We are kindred spirits, and we need to stick together, to survive together and to be stronger and to live until our last breaths.


Live long and prosper my friend. Dial 988 or Dial 911, and yes....I care.




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