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The Fuel

Something Found

Love never meant to hurt

Broken boundaries were tough


Hope was supposed to stay

The touch shouldn't harm


Joy was to have within

Living should never have trauma


Faith was to restore my life

Days were unexpectedly tearful


Time was my only friend

My life one step at a time

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To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live

September 18, 2010


To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,


My life is not futile, Seth. It is NOT, and it was never meant to be. It is well with my soul that Joey has gone and now perhaps in the midst of hell and heaven, in the between spaces where all unrest hath gone. I wish I could turn back time and tell the guy that he's got a friend who would speak to him till dawn and with all her might, try to settle things to a peaceful rest and send him to the Emergency Room for Mental Health.


I decided, because Joey is now gone, I will not lead the same life. I will try with all of my heart, mind, and soul to love my life, even through the crevices of doubt and harsh realities. I know I won't be in my late forties working a dead end job, but if I am that person, I will keep going. To tell you the truth, those middle-agers with a job are lucky. They are not lazy and they are hard-working classy people. I am one of them.


If I end up being 46 or even 50 years old and working at Target, I will keep working hard, no matter what, and write and love my Dad. If I am still alone, I won't try to find someone because you know I'd be so depressed, lonely and desperate, and those three factors will land me with the wrong man. I will wait it out. My life is not futile. I know God has a plan for me. Sister Mary McGready told me that once she never thought she would write a book, but the calling was there until she published over a million copies.


Perhaps, Seth....I will write and become a writer. Perhaps I will write about everything and anything under the sun. I know my mind isn't broken and I know that even with PTSD and my Depression, I am still strong. I know the weakest are sometimes the strongest and most valuable cornerstone we never knew we deserved or had.  Sister Mary McGready told me that if I was emotionally hurt, I am still perfect in the eyes of God, and I am not futile or broken down that I won't amount to anything but garbage. I know that with God, anything is possible.


Do you believe me when I say that I will write? Perhaps these love letters are just the beginning of something even sweeter, something worthwhile, and something valuable that no one would ever guess they would read and cherish? Maybe, even the rapist will appreciate me.


I am one of the chosen to have to lead a difficult path, and maybe it wasn't because I was dumb, but I was hurt since I was young and lacked guidance. I knew my Dad wasn't perfect and I wish he was. I wish he had time for me, but he doesn't. He doesn't have time for himself and for his own illness. He is struggling and I won't blame him, or regret my past. I won't dwell or tread on that road once again. I know it will come up over and over again, and I will try with all of my heart to dodge that unbelief in my own genius.


Do you believe that I am a genius, Seth? I know you are, but what am I? I am a genius, my life is NOT futile, and I am the possible in the impossible. I am chosen and I am a cornerstone. I am a gorgeous human being who is under appreciated by some, because they are too selfish to see the beauty in others. It isn't my fault for their imperfections, but I also know it isn't my fault that I was hurt and I was defiled and partly broken from time to time. I will keep going and writing as if nothing happened, and if these symptoms come back (like all victims of violence know and feel) I will have to settle my breath into a peaceful space, close my eyes, and practice my prayers as the warrior that I am.


Do you think people are scared of victims of violence, Seth? I know a lot of people don't like us, or choose to see us as a negative, but we are actually the positive. We are the population who understand what violence feels like and I know most of us don't want it to happen to others. Those who become harmful didn't practice their genius, but I am one with a genius mind, Seth. Do you believe that I am a strong proponent of good? I am. Know that and if one day I become a writer with my own website and my own stories, I will write these letters to you and send them into cyberspace as my true heart to help others through my unconditional and heartfelt love for you. You are my sweet spot, Seth. Keep making the world laugh, and keep reaching to the scariest population of people, yes....the Donald Trump Fans. 


I love you, Seth Meyers!

WishesOoohWishes (a.k.a. Mary)







A good day, on a certain special month, in the years to come.


To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,


I didn't die, Seth. I am still here loving you. I went back to get my GED, and enrolled at the nearby Community College and took my own interest, might, heart, soul, mind and spirit and applied myself. I went online classes. I took myself to a place called 'Zoom' that only existed in the future, and during the past, was just a way to meet other people for office meetings. It is now WORLDWIDE, and EDUCATIONAL and Chinese people made it. 


I know you are wondering if I'm Latina or Asian. Perhaps I was just a fictional rape victim and perhaps I was just a figment of your imagination of a fan girl. I was and always will be a female who was hurt, and had a way out because someone loved me. My Dad became sober. He still works at Target and so do I. I was 17 and now I became older, and A LOT wiser. I also work at Target, and I have pride in it. I was homeless at Covenant House, but now I am not. I was hurt, and now, I am stable. I was broken, but I am patched with gold in the between spaces where doubt, negativity, and hatred lived. 


I was a person who didn't like others because I let the rapists hurt me and inflicted hatred and racism, and abuse and he was physically and verbally abusive, and I was hurt by more than just Jack. That was his name, but it really wasn't in the name, it was in his heart. Yet, my heart never succumbed to his that he wanted me to have.


I never took the rapists's garbage, instead I worked on my own and decided that within my hardship, was my genius. That with time, I will become an even greater genius. I was cooked, hard boiled, and deep fried, Seth, by people who weren't chefs or tasteful. You know what happened? I became shredded meat. But, I was so fully loved, not by my own doing, but by God and by my Dad, and my family, and Joey, and my friends at Target that I know how to cook now. I became the chef, and pastries are my friend. I wasn't too dumb to realize that the perpetrator's cooking of my life was scrap from the can. I constructively re-invented myself. I fully went online and took classes, some I even took because The Christmas Spirit stayed inside my heart and mind and soul all year long, that the messages and the methods of their madness completely transformed me.


My brain wasn't crazy, Seth. It was harmed, I have to say, but it wasn't psychotic and violent. I never killed a bear because I was assaulted, and I have never shot an animal or a human being or used a gun because I was assaulted. I never physically harmed another, although I was beaten and violated. I didn't call anyone any worse names that you would call a hater, I uttered words of anger, but never acted upon it. I wrote it down and the ones I spoke out, was in self-defense. God saw all these actions, and I will safely say it now, and forever to God be my witness....I became anti-violence, because I was, am, and will always be...loving and kind. 


I also became more than just a creative, Seth. I have goals, hopes, dreams, and I know my Dad will always be with me, no matter how old I will be. My Dad works with me, and together we conquer tired lives at Target and spread the joy of everyday living. He is and will always be my hero. I will keep these love letters, and somehow, release them....one day.


Guess what, Seth....I will always love you, too. Instead of just keeping my whole heart to myself and denying others of my soulful love and kindness, I practice it.


Here is loving you, Seth.





The end.

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Play, Play, Platypi

~ For every kid who ever felt strange or different than the rest. You are a genius! Be excited about your life! You're something special. ~


Play, play, platypi

Wake up, wake up

Don't let the sun go!

The day is short,

get out from the hole!


Play, play, platypi

Come in the water,

Swim across the river!

Look at this marsupial

Rare as a big, huge moose!


Play, play, platypi

Run like the squirrels!

Eat a ton of yappies.

Wiggle your short body

Flat foot and duck-bill, too!


Play, play, platypi

See the moon and stars

With your pretty little eyes.

Burrow into the Earth,

With your hind legs below!


Play, play, platypi

Send the toxic poison!

For protection from the fox.

Growl against the enemy,

Keep your fur intact!

Play, play, platypi

Keep your young near

Let your wife rear the clutch.

Your eggs will fully hatch,

For this mammal brainiac! 

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~Dedicated to Gloria Steinem, who I dreamt to meet and did, as she replied, "Well…I dreamed about meeting you!"~


Russell is fifty, the type of number that speaks for itself.

Russell is half a century, and full of might.


He dances every day, and jiggles when he sneezes.

Russell never complains in anything he chooses to do.


Russell loves his children, and his wife, too.

He says the heart needs to be full of the people you care about.


Russell says he fell down once, and couldn't get back up.

So, he took a breather, relaxed for a while and raised himself up.


Russell says when he grows up, he wants a Labrador retriever.

Because when Russell goes fishing, he needs an expert to accompany him.


Russell is not afraid to tell everyone his age, fifty or not.

Because he loves his life and everything it's about.


Russell loves jazz, blues, rock, funk, and the guitar.

He walks like a rock star, because he is one inside.


Russell says if he can eat books, he probably would and could.

But, he reads them instead, to let the worms live inside.


Russell never went to school, but he wishes he is a Psychologist.

Because he believes attitude can change everything.


Russell says he loves the water and oxygen the most.

He also thinks no one should have to complain about them.


Russell made a big mistake one day in the past.

But, he forgave himself and focused on the answer to move on.


Russell tells everyone he believes in true love,

Because, when he was in his sixties, he finally found his.


Russell says he is always careful with his health and his heart.

He protects them, because those are the keys to life.


Russell was told he was old, by some old lady,

But, he doesn't trust the lady because she never walked in his shoes before.


Russell was beaten in a game of tennis.

So, he tried ping-pong and won the state finals.


Russell never gives room for jealousy.

Because jealousy is always jealous of everything it sees.


Russell loves barbeques and hamburgers, on hot sunny days.

Because sometimes we all need to savor the moment.


Russell doesn't like mean or angry people.

Because one day with any of them, means trouble!


Russell says he loves the ocean.

Because the ocean is definitely bigger and stranger than anything he has ever seen.


Russell loves hot tea, cookies and fireside chats on snowy days.

He says moments like these can heal someone's life.


Russell says he doesn't bother with dirt.

He says he is an expert on living a clean life


Russell doesn't like people with mud in their brains

He thinks sticky people break people apart.


Russell is now more than a hundred years old, but his heart is fifty.

Because he just feels fifty really suits him for the moment.


Russell says he always loves his life.

That's why everyone remembers Russell and not the years of his life.



The end. Just write.


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I want to let you know

~Dedicated to my brothers in spirit, Ben Affleck, Sean Moynihan, JD, of Denver, and Derek J. Jones. ~


Today, I want to let you know,

Just how I feel about you.


First of all, I think you are great,

And I think I like you.


I know, I only know what I know of you,

But, you will be surprised of how much I know.


If you say let's play space combat in the desert,

I'll tell you to pretend we're in Disneyland instead.


If sunshine turns into hailstorm,

I'll pray for a change in weather.


If there is danger,

I'll tell you to run for your life!


If you want to face your fears, I'll tell you that's great,

but being fearless is one thing, and being smart is another.


If you have a headache,

I'll make you take a nap.


If someone tells you, you are growing faster than your pants,

I will tell them they will never grow up!


If you're gnarly, I'll tell you,

If you're silly, I'll let you know.


If you start to feel bad about anything,

I'll make sure you feel normal about everything.


When you are lazy,

I'll remind you how lazy you can be.


But if you are tired and very, very, very sad,

It's really okay to feel grumpy.


If you are jealous of me, and I am jealous of you,

We will puke at perfect people together.


If you eat too much,

I'll tell you, "You might get fat and won't be picked for the team!"


If you get sick, and no one cares about you

I will tell you about the time I had the chicken pox.


If I just won a million dollars, and feel too good for anyone.

You shouldn't worry so much, but those million dollars can be useful.


If you want to leave,

I'll cry.


I know all these things sounds too good to be true,

But I am just amazing, that's all…


I am not lying,

I really am an amazing kid!


So, I thought, …

I should let you know


Your friend.

Till The end.

Just write.


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Know that I Love You

 ~ Inspired by Janet Nuss and Dr. Marian Mehegan, DDS.~


Broken cups, spilling milk,

Or plates tumbling

When you're hiding, running,

Jumping, or screaming


Know that I love you


When you cry and

Everyone sees

Even with bandages

On your knees


Know that I love you


After a fight, and

You've been pushed down

Even when everyone

Keeps poking fun


Know that I love you


When people are laughing

But you are embarrassed

Hiding behind your palms

Eyes red and heart calloused


Know that I love you


When you feel a bit

Tattered inside

And no one could place

Your sadness aside


Know that I love you


When the going

Gets rough

When you feel you're

Not strong enough


Know that I love you


When your heart is

Joyfully dancing

And you are

Jubilantly singing


Know that I love you


When you are

The winning team, and

You've reached everything

You can dream


Know that I love you


When you have to make

A perfect choice

Hoping and praying

To hear a voice


Know that I love you


When you're facing

So many choices

Trying to make

The right decision


Know that I love you


If thunder and lightning

causes some fear

And the darkness

Comes crawling near


Know that I love you


When nothing can

Give you despair

And every second is

A breath of fresh air


Know that I love you


But, before, after,

During, or while

And when everything

Gives you a smile


Know that I love you


When you've found

Your true love

Truly divine from

Up above


Know that I love you


In winter, spring,

Summer, or fall

Blooming flowers, and

The gentle breeze call


Know that I love you


I love you


I love you


I will always love you



The end. Just write.

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Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.


In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.


Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.


It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

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