Diana Kurniawan

I work hard each day of my life since I was old enough to work at 15 in the United States. Sometimes the work makes me tired and out of breath, depending on the work. This time, I am adjusting to the work and sometimes I get scared of passing out because I almost did. But, there was something new today. A man who our crew deliver foods to makes cartoons. His small gesture are displayed on the kitchen posting board and I get to see it each day. He has been in the hospital for a while, and I don't know the prognosis, but he has been making these cute drawings for us. It was a small gesture, but I was so happy that he made it. 

I look back on the small gestures people did for me, and it made my heart fly. I feel a peace right now, thinking about the man who draws for me and my crew of coworkers. It's so simple, but the effect is so lasting and it helps me through the day. It perks me up and cheers me up. I know the small gestures that I do for others also did the same to the recipient and it makes me feel so happy. Sometimes the smallest gestures that was done did not seem much, but those small things add up to huge effect. I think the same for this man, he draws those little cartoons in small pieces of paper and gives it to us for free. His sweet talent helps other people, and I think that's when you know that his gift becomes a blessing to others. 

I hope the same thing for myself. I wonder if my blog helps others or not, and I wonder if my poems and my writings help others in some way. I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling it does. I know it creates some type of impact and I hope it is good and hopeful, even though I don't know who reads it. I will keep writing and just writing, because I know one day, someone will receive healing from it.

#JustWrite

This morning I woke up at 5 am and not completely aware yet, but I felt something good inside me just brewing. I am excited about today and hope that my day goes well. I surrender to God, for all of my days and nights and last night I had a nice dream of meeting John Cheadle for some reason. He was just sitting in a cafe and we talked about Ocean's Eleven and I asked him if he ever spent time talking to the Chinese Guy in the movie, Qin Shaobo, with all those acrobatics movements he had. John looked tickled and laughed and told me, we bonded over Bruce Lee. I laughed and asked him if he watched Jackie Chan in his adolescent years, and he said no. I was disappointed but I was still so intrigued by him being in front of me.

"How did you get here?" I asked John Cheadle.

"I was minding my own business, and your mind came up with this shit," he said. 

"Why did you come, John?" I asked, intrigued.

"You gotta crazy, girl. You the one with that crazy mind, you dreamt me into your sleep. Now, wake up, cuz I gotta go!" said John. He sipped his coffee and got ready in his chair.

I laughed again and the realm of my dream began to weave and weave into oblivion. 

I woke up refreshed and just happy and thought of I might watch Ocean's Twelve later on during the week if I can get it. 

Life is so full of spontaneous moments, and if it isn't spontaneous, we need to be the spontaneity it needs to be. I was just so happy that I met John Cheadle in my dreams. It was everything I needed in my sleep last night. (Yawn) Now, I am tired and need to get some decaf. Ciao for now, but with a promise of new ponderings in my life for you to read up on.

#JustWrite

Today was Hot Stretch Yoga. What a blissful day it was. I was in gratitude all morning and had a wonderful day today.

In the evening, I saw The English Patient, and it was very good and very dramatic. I remembered when it won the Oscar for Best Picture and I have to say it is one of the best movies in my lifetime. I was a little sad from it because one of the characters, Katharine Clifton, had a plan for her death. She wanted to be buried in her garden with an ocean front view, instead, she died alone, in the dark.  I immediately began to play some music to take myself out of the depressive mood. I was very sad for her, but I'm just an empath and I think I was just carrying the mood of the movie from watching it for almost three hours. 

I found myself excited about my future, because unlike the characters in The English Patient, I am not living in war times and I was not committing adultery or drink alcohol. I think my future is brighter. LOL. I played some Alicia Keys and I got very happy when I thought of the future ahead of me. I am turning 50 and I am so excited, and I want to do something special for myself. I will have to think of something good. Stay tuned.

#JustWrite

Father, I do believe every human has a right to live. But, if that person chose to die, I do want the person to go to heaven. I plead with all of my heart to let those who carried so much burdens that they couldn't live with it any longer to be forgiven. Please forgive the suicidals, and bring life to the those who lived through their decisions. Please help those who went through that small dangerous thought to be given the blessings of forgiveness through their souls that died before them. Give those who lived through their death, the courage to live again and to lift up spirits around them to not make the same mistake. Carry our burdens, Father, and ease our pains. Bring joy into our lives in the smallest to the biggest details, and bring some good cheers into our souls, that the smallest moments bring hope.

Father, don't let those who lost hope to be forever lost in hell, instead bring them to heaven and bring them out of the netherworld and bring them to closely join the heavenly realms. Don't let their ghosts linger, and bring their families and loved ones closer to You. My hope is that for no one to be suicidal anymore, and for them to have connections and help from those around them. Thank you for those who called on me and helped me and brought me out of the small deadly thought and bless them with hope never ending and joy continuously. Bring the best out of the sorrows of the suicide victims, and heal those around them and cast out the demons of hopelessness and suicide. 

Father, bless those who help bring connections to the suicidals. Bring them the words and the healing touch and prosper each moment when they speak life into the suicidals. Please bring hope into the smallest details of the life of the suicidals and help them to become stronger and hopeful and become a change agent in the lives of others. Bring some gentle reminders and strong reminders for the suicidals to not harm themselves, instead to bring them closer to life and forever joy into their lives.

Father, cast out the demons of self harm and the prayers of the accursed who wish death upon another to be cast out and destroyed and brought to nothing and their curses to null. Amin. Help those who have mental illness, such as myself, to be given the blessings, honor, and respects from those around them to be faithfully stronger and hopeful in life and bring kind hope and a life so extraordinary for myself and for the suicidals. Bring life so vivid and brilliant and a future that is beyond our own understanding in love, prosperity, and power and joy and a life so bright that the light shines and emanates to others. Bring the suicidals to You, Father, to be blessed and to find comfort, hope and forever destined to live a life extraordinary and blessed. amin. 

#Forthehopefuls

#JustWrite

For someone with PTSD, a small thought could be dangerous. It could be a moment where a trigger came in that showed something familiar that brought back memories of the past. For me, today was the elderly. I went into a room and after an hour, there was a Code called out and the patient was no longer there. That person had died. It reminded me to a dead friend and the others in my past who died of suicide. I didn't know how the patient died, but I realized that life was quick. It went by for me like lightning. I was 25 and gang raped and now I'm 25 years older. Time took on, and I tried to heal during the 25 years and still going.

I began to think that I was a slow healer, but I will give myself grace with healing. It could take a lifetime, and I will walk slowly with it, especially as I am also writing it. That small thought this morning became a big negative thought and that negative thought was that I will die alone and I will die loveless, and worst, other people were praying for that to happen, a lot of people. Thank god I didn't hear voices, because I don't want to be schizophrenic, and it was just a thought. It became a bigger thought because I saw death straight in the eyes, right after I delivered the meal to the patient. It made me realize how swift things could happen, and I began to think about my healing progress and how slow I was going, against time that was going so fast. 

I quickly went there, to the fatal zone of going beyond my control and was almost caught by the deadly ghost, but it passed through, and I was freed. It took several prayer warriors that I texted and my good female friends to understand me. I will keep going, but now I know how small those thoughts could speed into a big thought. I will slow it down and now I know how to curb the spiraling and it was through connection, which made the suicide hotline so important, because we all need connection to break off the harmful thought. Today, it was just a negative thought that was small which became big. Other days might not be so easy and I know I will need connection. I will take care of myself and take this incident seriously and take good healthy precautions for the future. 

I want to live as long as I could, and I won't end my life in suicide, I promised my late father. Therefore, I will take care of myself.

This one almost went to the birds, but I was stronger.

#KeepGoing

#JustWrite

I was in the Emergency Department yesterday after nearly collapsing at work during mid-shift. I was scared and worried of my health but when the tests were done and the doctor gave me electrolytes and saline, I was fine. It turned out I was tired and dehydrated. During the stay, I thought of my Mom, and how she was afraid for me and afraid for herself because I was caring for her and if I'm sick, she will be hurting and won't be able to care for herself. 

I thought of my Mom during the time I was in the dim room, and held her fondly in my heart and texted her prayers for her to ponder on and build on. I prayed for myself as well and got teary a bit during the time, but everything turned out okay and I was sent home after four hours. 

I realized that when I was scared, I thought of my Mom, the person I loved the most and my siblings as I prayed for them. The thoughts of them made me feel happier and sweetened the day. I thought of how my Mom loves me so much that she texted me and wanted to know if everything was okay. My sister also texted me and told me to care for my wellbeing and health first and foremost. The thoughts of my Mom, especially made me feel loved, as she loved me in person. In the dark, thoughts of my love for my Mom brightened my heart. It felt so different from thinking about men and how I once was in love, it felt real. 

I don't know what will happen to my love life, and I've cried about it, millions of times, but it is out of my control. With my Mom, my heart is wholesome and kind and the love just emanates from me. I think God is trying to tell me to not pay attention about my love life but to keep focus on what's in front of me, my Mom, my writing, my health and my wellbeing. It lightened my burden and the realization helped me a lot. I don't have to care about my love life for now, because it is out of my hands. I need to have a change in my perspective, and it starts now. I love my Mom too much to become more depressed about being alone. 

Today was a tough day. My thoughts were about broken things...how I am broken and I have a broken life and I would never amount to anything. I kept having the fears inside of me again, about how the rich haters who hurt me and raped me in the past would hunt me down to make sure I will end in suicide. I felt there were something wrong with my body and my mind today and I couldn't pick it out. I haven't been to hot yoga for weeks because of the new changes in my life, but I'm trying to work things out. It's been three months since I practiced hot yoga and as recommended by Dr. Bessel, Yoga is a form of healing that can curb my symptoms. I am trying to get back into it. Money has been an issue.

I sobbed on the way home from work today and I had the sadness that there were hundreds and thousands of people who just wanted me to feel so much sorrow in my life. They wanted more suffering and they want me to feel more sorrow and brokenness permanently that I won't be able to pick myself back up, instead to hurt myself and end in suicide. They, meaning the people who abused me on the phone while I was struggling in life, the people who raped me and their cronies, and they are the people who just plain want me to be dead.

They don't want me to have a possibility of marriage and as a matter of fact, they want me to be alone forever and become a martyr for single people and end in suicide. I have wanted to be married since I was little, and to have a loving husband all of my life, but there were always so many oppositions and so many women and men who wanted otherwise. I had so much fears today that those people are still adamant of my singlehood and if they can do it, they want me to be hurt and to never amount to anything and to never meet anyone. I told myself that I won't lose hope and as I drove home crying, I'm turning 50 next year and I know that the prospects of me marrying is so little and tiny, that it's impossible. It's not that I don't think I can take care of myself and I don't equate marriage with happiness, but it's something I've always wanted. I just know if there is an opportunity for me, I hope I can marry and I pray it will be a good marriage and with the right man who loves me unconditionally, and always have my back. I won't marry if it is just an opportunity, but I will marry if it's with the right person. 

I pray for God to do miracles on me, and I surrender all of my life to God. I told God that if I don't have anyone in my life, I pray God will help me to handle it and for me to be safe from self harm.

I am so broken tonight and as I am typing this entry, I am still sobbing. I just felt so much hatred from others towards me and how much they want me to be broken forever, and they want me to self harm and to never become a writer, to never marry and we all know that I won't be able to have kids.

I had a panic attack at work and I had to sit on the ground for five minutes and pick myself back up again and held my tears, although I wanted to cry to God. 

Today is for the birds, and I do hope God heard my prayers. I got hurt today and I felt the hatred from those who hated me so much that I cried and sobbed so hard that I couldn't breathe. I know I am not supposed to care about their opinions and their curses, but today I had so much memories from the gang rapes and the abuses they did to me, that I almost died of suicide again. I'm going to keep myself safe tonight and sleep now. Today is for the birds, and thank God I am still alive. 

#JustWrite

I believe in miracles. All forms of it. From death to life, even in metaphors and in dreams. I truly know that my deadly PTSD and depression can be cured although with medicine, but medicine is a form of a cure. I think the thought of death at such a young age as when I experienced it since I was in middle school and high school could be offset with good things to come, even later in life.

I had to pick myself up each time a rape happened to me. Multiple times it happened and I thought deadly suicidal thoughts each time, but something keeps me at bay and thoughts of life comes on. 

It feels like I am living inside a movie that is melodramatic with suspenseful emotions, and I find something invisible is holding me steady. Is it hope? But I think it is a miracle and it doesn't stop, but I admit, HOPE is a form of vitamin. I spoke with Rabbi Harold Kushner when he was alive and he told me, small doses of joy each day will help me. I think it also goes for hope and faith and the simple acts of kindness towards another person, if those things becomes an action, they become joy.

The river of life keeps going and it fills me up with hope, love and life. I am so astounded and grateful for my life. My new experiences are so beautiful and those experiences become holy to my life. I view them as sacred, from caring for my Mom, working at Target and Walmart and Costco, I think of each step as holy and confounding. 

With my new future ahead of me, I am grateful and I will keep being born again in each job, experiencing it as a spirit of hope and joy and for love to overflow inside my and pouring over that I can share it with my team. I am so grateful. I am willing to serve, help, and bless and with each moment, I will pray for propitious things and blessings to come to me and those around me. O what joy I have inside me. 

#JustWrite 

After reading so many sad stories, I decided to venture on a new journey with the pursuit of intellect. I chose James Baldwin's work Nobody Knows My Name. It's a compilation of essays during his transition from his European life back to America. I can't wait to read it and I am excited that I have it in my collection. I was about to read Giovanni's room, but I must have misplaced the book because I couldn't find it today. 

Another adventure awaits in my life as well, a new journey that I can't wait to experience. It's no biggie for a lot of people, but it's a major hoopla in my life. I can't wait to share it with my family and with my best friends, but I'm not sharing with all of you because some of you are haters and you all know where that's going...yup not going there.

Today was a big change from the last two months of major sadness with my Mom being in the hospital. She is now recuperating at home and I get to clean her up after she poops. JOY! But it truly is, although it's a little dirty, but like a dirty joke, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Clean butt.

I am enjoying my break from writing. The immense pressure that was there is no longer here. I also deactivated from Twitter, which was a major pressure source and I was stressed because all I saw were streams of people overjoyed about their acceptances to literary agents and making it to the New York Times Bestsellers List and then some other authors who expressed regrets because no one showed up at their author's readings, which was very daunting. I didn't know what to feel and I just pressed the button that said Deactivate and all of those feelings disappeared. I did the right thing. I no longer feel pressure to want to make it or to want to write which is contradictory to wanting to finish my book, but I think I need this rest.

Other than that, I'm good and taking my meds. See you on the other side!

#JustWrite

I just finished All Over But the Shoutin by Rick Bragg and I am inspired by his writing and his life, the same way I was inspired by David Carr's memoir. There was one thing they had in common, they both experienced the demon of alcoholism, although through different lenses. I loved how both writers controlled their substances although with Carr, it was a struggle. Rick Bragg was a product of an alcoholic father and also a domestic violent home, and I was so moved by how he changed that situation in his life to pursue something he loved, and succeeded.

I was reminded of my old friend, Jeff, who died of suicide from an overdose, who was also a writer. He wanted so much to become a full time staff to write his sports columns or to just work as a reporter somewhere in the world. He made a huge impact on me because he used to pray for me and kept me focused on writing my first novel back then in 2015-2021. I was full of anxiety and fears and Jeff helped me calm down and talked things through with me through his experience with therapy and also through scripture. He was able to rationalize certain things in writing that I didn't realize. But, he was an alcoholic and his demons kept coming back, each time more vicious than before. He eventually lost his space at the time as he was living with his cousin, and then renting a piece of couch to live on with a friend. He became homeless and addicted to drugs again. He died on the street and was found by my best friend's brother. I was devastated.

Jeff was talent. I saw his writing and he was capable of writing a page one column for a county newspaper and a high school newspaper, without the training for a journalist. He was in his thirties and he had a whole future ahead of him, but his demons controlled him, and he couldn't stay disciplined. Talent alone couldn't save him, even with page one headlines as a paying gig for him, that wasn't paying much but could earn him a few hundred bucks at the end of the month. I saw Rick Bragg's talent in Jeff, and although Jeff didn't make it, I learned so much from him. I found that to keep going, we need to nurture our talents and take care of ourselves more than we worked. I needed to find pleasure in keep myself sane with my mental health, instead of searching for pleasure. 

I also learned a lot from Rick Bragg's stories and writing and his tenacity to keep on going, after much let downs. Perhaps it was part luck on his part and Jeff just didn't have the luck (and neither do I), but I also realized that Rick Bragg had a hard life in the first thirty years of his life, and he worked hard. I don't know how Rick Bragg had so much confidence in his writing, but it showed and it is fascinating. It took him years to get to where he is now, and his persistence to want to achieve was unquenchable.

Now, about me...what will become of me? I don't know, and I don't know the future, but I hope it is bright and I will keep praying and staying optimistic about my life and my writing. I'm no paragon of a budding writer, because I don't have the ego of one. I need to gain some more confidence in my writing. Besides, I'm not even sure if what I"m doing is called writing, it might be called loathing. But, let's not get too technical about it. I don't want to be a pessimist anymore. I will keep writing and keep learning from those before me. 

I am just grateful I'm not an alcoholic or an addict in general. I have anxiety issues, PTSD and Depression, but they're manageable. I don't have drug dealers offering me meds and drugs, and also, I think the drugs I'm taking are enough to kill a horse anyway, so I don't need more. One thing I am grateful for is, I'm still alive and I can even die trying. I know the chances are slim to none, but here's hopin' right? I think I have enough talent to keep me going, and I have enough tenacity to keep writing. Hence, the #JustWrite that I created, to remind myself that I can transfrom a blank page into something poignant for others to read, with the intent of healing, entertainment, and education. 

#JustWrite