Diana Kurniawan

I woke up this Sunday morning with a little more weariness and fear, but that all soon subsided. The day before, I felt uneasy and worried from negative and losing thoughts with dreadful fears of the future. Those thoughts carried on through the night, and thusly, woke up with a little more angst. 

To my surprise, those all subsided.

I decided to pray and decided to take up arms with the Holy Spirit and wanted to make my day a brighter day by making a smarter decision on how to follow through my own thoughts. I spent it with a smile, and with the anticipation that it would be a cozy day, despite the sub-zero temperature. The dark skies when I woke up at 5 am made me happy that I could spend another day facing another moment of grace called life. The piercing cold almost washed away the fears and the dreadful thoughts, and renewed my soul. 

I thought this whole Sunday was going to be a terrible idea of a day, but it was the opposite. I wanted to help others and that service mentality carried through my day with joy. I served some donuts and hot cocoa at the store, and my supervisor who decided to make the customer appreciation gesture, welcomed my enthusiasm and pointed me as the keeper of the station for several hours. 

I enjoyed the time and the time enjoyed me, as did the customers and the people around me. I didn't think that my day was going to be better, but I surrendered to the Alimighty and helped my own conscience to be a better person. I wanted to feel better and therefore, I felt better. It was mind over matter this morning. I chose joy and searched for joy by praying and soaking in the mercy of the warmth inside the store instead of the cold outside.

I felt comfortable and I was thankful for what I have. My job, my health, my Mom, my puppy, my siblings, and my niece and nephews and my sister's in laws, the friends I have, and the basic necessities I was blessed with. I was so thankful for the mercy I had from God, and those gracious blessings didn't go unnoticed. I was thriving by the end of the day and I knew that my life mattered. The thoughts of my losing and negative life took itself away and it ran away like banshee. It was glorious. I won. I won the day and will keep praying that today, tomorrow, and the day after and this moment and the next moment will all be surrendered to God. It will be beautiful, graceful, and joyful. It was my calling to experience this and I am forever grateful.

#JustWrite

Healing is a tough gig. It has ups and downs and comparisons and losing and winning and frayed thoughts. Today I felt I lost to the war of survivor life. I didn't have suicidal thoughts, but I had losing thoughs. It hurts. And that's the tough part of being on this journey of healing. I sought help, but I needed to set up an appointment with my psychotherapist. I couldn't talk to my old friends, because they no longer respond out of compassion fatigue. It's a hard journey. I will mend, but this was all I had in my head at this time. It will get better, and I will be better in this life. 

#JustWrite

On New Years Eve, I was sick. I was so sick that I slept at five in the afternoon and woke up the next day to go to work at five in the morning. I was so sick that whole time and all I wanted to have this year was a healthy year. Not only that, perhaps it was the flu that caught my thoughts in a wind to think of the people I lost, but I was reminded of Jeff and Jeff. Two Jeffs that I knew although they didn't know each other, who lost their lives in the Summer of 2023 from self-harm. I thought of them and thought of how much mental health affects our lives. 

This year, as I am on the mend, I want to be healthy, mind, body and soul. I wanted to start a new year's resolution, but I won't call it that. I will call it just being a better me. I don't want to sound so cliche of starting a resolution but finding it hard to keep up, instead I want to just keep myself at bay with my mental health to be able to have a healthier mindset. Speaking life to myself, and to others. Being optimistic to myself and to others. Minding my own business, and won't ask about personal things towards others unless they volunteer to. I want to be mindful of my own capacity of humanity in the raw. I don't want to overexert myself and become so overwhelmed that I am thinking too much. 

I will keep it simple, and chill down. Not becoming too super excited when something crazy happens in politics or becoming angry when something bad happens with the new Trump Administration (I didn't vote for him). I will just keep a low profile and just chill. Just chillin' means just keeping steady too, and it will eventually help me in the long run. I plan to pray often, just being me and keeping my spiritual vitamin at a high level so I can level up when grouchy customers come my way at work. 

This year, I will just want to maintain calm, remembering my friends, especially those who have been there for me in the deepest darkest days, and being cool as a cucumber on other days to keep myself sane. Just being better will help me in the long run, I believe. I will take that to my driving skills too, not driving too fast, just right and just relaxing behind the wheel, not rushing to anything. I will read more and do more yoga, and be better at becoming myself. I want to prepare for my 49th and 50th birthday to be more comfortable in my skin. I want to be able to say to myself down the line, that I was practicing mindfulness by just being a better me. I want to look back when I'm 80 or 90 or even 100, that I started this journey at becoming a better me with mindfulness a long time ago and I am becoming better and better as a person.

#Justwrite

I'm normally just a calm person and have occasional bouts of negative thoughts from the PTSD and Depression. It is especially difficult for me during holiday seasons, Valentine's Day, my birthday and any holiday there calls to be merry as I can be. The negative thought just sometimes come in and out and I have to deal with it. Yesterday was a difficult day for me, on a Sunday, December 22nd, 2024. I was sitting at church and enjoying the children's presentation on their performance for Christmas, when suddenly I got the negative thought that I need to witness them and realize how their future is so bright but my life or future is so grim. I was so hurt by the thought and I didn't know why I felt that way. In a split second, I began to sob and felt so low that I forgot that I was a church and kept sobbing although no one noticed. The bout of negativity just came over me and hurt me like a stab from a knife inside my chest. 

I realized that it was just a thought that I could erase, and it wasn't my reality. I began to count the blessings in my life and the things that God had made a blessing out of nothing for me. The time that I was saved in a winter accident, the time the rapist almost killed me but I stayed alive, the time when I was almost killed by the group of assaulters who hurt me. The time that I almost died from suicide and the time God gave me a meteor shower for my birthday. Every January 3 to January 4, there is a meteor shower called Quadrantid over the skies and it is the most beautiful blessing that I witnessed.

I first discovered it during my roughest moment in life, the time when I was 37 and I didn't think I would see 40. It wasn't that long ago, and I realized that moment was my personal miracle in life. I didn't search for it, but deep down there was a still small voice that told me to go outside at midnight and see the skies and to wait there until four in the morning. It was God's way of telling me to stay faithful to him and to anticipate glory instead of suicide. I saw several meteor showers and I realized that it was for me. I didn't know where the sadness had gone afterwards, but I was astonished and not at all suicidal. The negative thought disappeared and I found myself counting stars and it was my evidence that God showed up.

This Christmas, during the suicidal thought at church this past Sunday, I reached out to some of my best friends and they had some wisdom given to me. One of them told me that I already made a difference in life and I am going to keep making a difference in my future in my own life and others as well. That sentiment gave me a revelation. Sometimes, I don't realize how important I am in the lives of others, because I am so internally focused on myself and how I was affected by others, that I didn't realize how I also make a difference in other people's lives as well. I failed to realize that other people are affected by me too, and that unknowingly, my intentions, and good deeds, and other blessings I gave towards others had made a difference in their lives. I thought I was a solo traveller in the land of negativity and abandonment, and no one cared about me because I meant nothing to everyone. But that's not true. I mean a lot to my Mami and also my late beloved Papi. I am my brother's and sister's sister and I am valuable to them. I am a good friend and best friends to a lot of my friends and that means a lot too. I am worthy human being and I am worthy of living a good life and a good future. I am worth God's blessings and miracles and I don't need signs or wonders, but God sent me a meteor shower. It was a defining miracle in my life and it is a defining life that I have. 

This Christmas, as I love others, I will also love myself. I won't forget how valuable I am and how much of a kindred spirit I am to my best friends and my pet. How I am so loved that they can't live without me. That they think of me all the time and they think the world of me. That God thinks the world of me and though that this world needs someone like me in it. 

I realize I have negative thoughts, but I also know I am loved and that I am a positive influence in other people's lives and that I have made a lot of difference in my own life and in the lives of others. I have dreams to follow and put to work, and I have people and friends to build relationships with, and more people in my future who will cherish me. I have countries to travel to and even other states in America that I need to travel to. I have a big life ahead of me. 

This Christmas is not a time of negative thoughts, no matter who you are and whether or not you have PTSD and Major Depression. I know it's the hardest time of the year for some people, but I hope someone will stumble upon my blog and read this and decide to become a positive thinker even if it's just from this Christmas. That this person is directed away from suicide and self harm and realize that he or she is a difference maker in life, their own lives and others as well. That I am making a difference. I am so grateful for this Christmas and I hope we will all live to see millions more Christmases to come. 

#JustWrite

Today I realized that my normal was a miracle in itself. Ten years ago, I didn't think I would live past 40, and I had suicidal ideations inside my head, practicing power dialogues to help myself to take suicide out of my vocabulary. Today, I'm working and earning a living, although not stellar, but I'm grateful.

This morning I drove to work early and got to my undesignated parking spot and took a breather. I looked to the left of me and the same white Ford van was there since I left the day before. The inside was full of clothes and dirty dishes, as I realized that someone had been living there, inside the van and perhaps even working at the same retail store I work for. My eyes moistened because I knew this person has been living there for the past few months, just not telling anyone about the parking situation. I realized that the normal for the person living inside the car was very different from mine. Just a step away to the left, was how close the situation was for me.

Every Christmas, I was always depleted with money and as always with my monthly wages throughout the year. I guess that's what barely scraping it meant. But, I will do something even with as few as $20 this year, and I will put it towards something for someone. I have expenses to pay, but I realized this morning that each person was given something different and it could have been me, living in the van. I won't be able to put too much into it, because I want to have some presents for my niece and nephews, but I'm going to save up my dollars and donate it. I haven't donated in a long time because I've been helping my Mom with rent but I felt called this morning because of the person living inside the van. 

My normal became routine for me, but I felt thankful for the things I have. The running water, the shower and water I get to drink, the food I have, and the job I work for. The Mom who is still with me, and the friends who love me. This morning was a miracle I never expected, because I never thought I would be this grateful. I hated my life just a decade ago and before these past few years, because I was poor, suicidal and single and still am, but I had no sense of gratitude inside of me since my focus was skewed. I paid attention to the things that I lacked and everything I wished for, without realizing that my normal was a dream to someone in this world. No matter who the person living inside the van was, that person had made a difference in me. It wasn't intentional, but it made all the difference in me.

I used to serve dinner for the homeless because I felt so happy doing so, but it wasn't just because of that, now that I thought about it. It was because I wanted to make the people at the shelter feel better. I wanted to give them a nice day out of their tough normal. I served the homeless for a while, but I felt it wasn't long enough. I had to stop because my parents were becoming ill and my father eventually passed on. Because of this morning, I want to get back into serving the homeless. I want to help my Mom first and then as time will permit, I hope I will get to start a new normal that will involve helping others more, and less pondering about my life. I realized my norm might even be worse than others, but I am grateful I am not a scorekeeper, just a sensitive Jane with a willing heart.

#JustWrite

I don't know what came over me, but lately, even with the outcome of the election, I have been grateful. Not knowing why, but I am grateful for the basic necessities I have and the things that have kept me working today and at this very moment. The retail job, the coworkers I have, the customers I come across and the paychecks I receive. I had such a great Sunday that a customer gave me a chocolate ice cream bar. Not knowing why, but she just gave it to me and told me that it was for my break. I was so honored to be the recipient of her gift and I was doubly happy after I ate the ice cream. 

My days aren't exciting, work then home and take care of my Mom, and my dog and then manage to have time to read, write and pray then I go to sleep at an early time. I need the rest but lately I have been sleeping late and that's probably why I have gotten the flu a couple of times but not enough to get me off work. Today, however, my bones hurt and I had a headache so I asked for the half day off and my Mom gave me a coin rub. I am, however, still grateful. 

I think with the grateful mentality, my days have gotten better. Nothing could steer me away from it and I am so happy that I finally have this perspective. I have eyes to see, ears to listen and hear, and an able body to keep working. I have a Mami who is getting older but the older she is, the more I enjoy taking care of her. I have a bed to sleep on and a house to let myself and my Mom live in, and we have heating which is a blessing, and running water which is even more precious. 

I look at the world today and I saw there are still so many wars and it has been going on for a very long time, with more atrocious crimes and evils towards the innocent people and children. If I had the means to help more than just the small amount of dollars I gave to Choose Love, I would. I am just grateful that I can donate. 

This holiday season, I am grateful. For the small things that are unseen and just there for the time being and I know I am a recipient of grace from God. I am thankful for my life and everything in it, which is the opposite of my mentality during my 20s, 30s, and even early 40s. Back then, I was so disappointed that I was raped and I was mentally so depressed that I could not find anything that was worthy of grace. But, things are different now and I am grateful, and who knows... the best is yet to come!

#JustWrite.

It has been a sad week. I was sad about the election and the outcome of it. I wanted a woman President and she would have represented African and Asian Americans for all of us.

I voted, yet I felt my vote was ignored and it didn't amount to much compared to those in Wisconsin, or North Carolina or the other high electoral votes states. I felt that the voting process was already decided by white americans, both white men and white women, and my vote were lost in space. I felt a disparaging voice that never amounted to anything except the void of the loss. I felt like a woman before we were given the right to vote. It was already sad that women had to fight to vote, we weren't given the right, and now that we have the right, we're not allowed to become President. 

I felt even more devastated by the plethora of graphs that were flooding the social media about the breakdown of votes. I was sad that white americans both men and women were in majority were pro-Trump, but I was more sad that Asian Americans were not included in the graph. I knew that Asian Americans only make up less than 10% of the population in the United States, but we were still a part of the group of voters. We were completely ignored and our votes were not shown in the graphs that flooded the social media about who voted for Kamala vs. Trump. 

I really wanted Kamala to win, because for once, an Asian woman would have been recognized in office, whereas now and always, we have been ignored. I never see a camera on an Asian American congressman or congresswoman, and I couldn't even tell if there was any Asian Americans in office or not. I didn't see the social media news surrounding the Asian Americans senators or congressman who won the votes this time around. I felt with Kamala, Asian Americans would have more leverage and more platform that just the Crazy Rich Asians. I wanted a more legitimate platform and a more important role for an Asian American. I was really disappointed.

With Trump in office, there will be more slurs surrounding Chinese descent, and it will catapult to all Asian Americans and before we know it, the whole Anti-Asian Hate will rise again.

I promised myself today to not lose heart and to keep practicing the radical acceptance that I learned from therapy, but the risk felt too great.

I felt a risk beyond my control about racism that might happen to me, being Indonesian American and being a former immigrant, although I was naturalized. I felt like an animal seeking a home and acceptance with this Trump Presidency. It felt raw and hopeless and it felt like I needed to pray each day to keep the racists away. It felt bleak for me, because even in social media today, our votes were not shown in the breakdown of votes for Election 2024. I felt invisible.

I pray, each day and as always, The United States and its people won't become like Trump, although he is the President now. I pray we become better people, and a better country, not because of him, but because of the rest of us who still believe in the goodness of people, equality and equal opportunities, the right to health care and reproductive care, and many more. I will continue the good fight because I don't believe in Trump, and his Project 2025. I pray, there will be change.

#JustWrite 

I can't wait. I mean...I could, but I also can't wait.

I can wait for the cooler and wet weather, but I can't wait for the first snow. The feeling of having snow on your nose and the tips of your fingers, is exciting. I can't wait for the sentimental feeling of old Christmas Spirit to come and renew the senses, and although it's an old man with his beard and red suit, it's the novelty of it that comes into my heart each year.

I can't wait for the candies at work and to see the smiles of kids around our block with their bags full of sweets. Sometimes they just laugh and makes you smile out of nothing at all, and that feeling of joy is irreplaceable.

I can't wait for the Christmas Spirit to come into my heart and mind, but only after I experience the gratitude of Thanksgiving. I can't wait for Thanksgiving and the gathering of loved ones inside my home. This year, same as the year before, my brother and sister will be here with their families, and my Mami and I will have some foods ready for our potluck and gather together in our small dining room to just enjoy each other's company. It's so full of happy times and I can't wait for that. 

I can wait for frost bites, but I don't get them because i wear proper gears and proper shoes, so it's not a problem for me. I can wait for the freezing temperature, but today I had my first taste of hot chocolate during a cool temperature and it feels divine.

Now that Mami and I are back in the groove of things, I am not burned out, but I'm so thankful. I just can't wait for what's next.

#JustWrite

I'm at a spot where my source of joy is within me.

I remembered those days when I chose melancholy because it was my natural state. However, lately, my natural state is no longer melancholy, and I started to choose joy. THis was such a huge surprise to me because I often couldn't realize that I chose it, instead I just leaned towards it because I didn't want to cry or have negative thoughts. But today...I chose it, because I was healthier. 

True, I take meds for the PTSD and Depression, but I felt healthy besides that. Couldn't I just say that I'm healthy? 

I think it's important that I can be healthy and choose to be healthy because I'm taking care of myself. I think it's okay to say I'm healthy although I have meds inside me for mental health. I think my standard is my own. 

I sometimes didn't know that I chose joy, because it had to be an effort, and it didn't come naturally. I try to ruminate over it first and then try it out and sometimes the negative thoughts just wins, but today....not so fast bucko, negativity what?  

I was so impressed of myself and I am proud about it. I didn't ask for any supportive words, and I didn't call anyone for help. I just kept choosing joy. It felt positive and encouraging. I just smiled and kept smiling to the customers in front of me. 

One customer yelled at me, because his Food Stamps didn't work and he also took it out on my supervisor, but I just stayed calm, and let them just yell at each other. Eventually, the man ran outside because he was so disturbed and angry and he already yelled at my supervisor and me, but my supervisor and I hugged it out later, and we were okay. I chose joy, peace, and calm and no drama. I chose the path that was healthy. I could have escalated when the man yelled at us, but I didn't. Sometimes it pays to be short too, because the man was hella tall, and I would have to keep looking up to talk to him. 

The next thing after that was peace and I said to myself, "He should have known electrolytes weren't covered by Food Stamps."  Then the customer after him said to me, "He should have kept a tally of his spending, and he should have known that he'd go over his food budgets."

Basically, I thought nothing about it and the thought of being negative that would have let me feel down in the dumps didn't happen. I just kept calm and carried on. 

Today might be a special day, and I even thought of something funny about the situation. Well, it was because the man who tried to bring me and my supervisor down was eating like a toddler. In his cart were six boxes of cereals and four gallons of milk, and four boxes of crackers, and some bags of chicken fingers. He used his food stamps like a toddler, but who was I to judge. I judged anyway, and he made me laugh. 

The point was, I wasn't brought down by the negative situation. I was lifted up because I had a sense of humor, and I chose joy. 

#JustWrite

I tried to think today of the choices I've made that led me to this spot in life. I ached and bruised my own thoughts until I realized I had to surrender through the times in my life right now to not become a curmudgeon over past mistakes. I stop thinking after about ten seconds and began to surrender and prayed to God about myself and what it was that I went through. The thoughts of how I didn't choose to be in my job (if I had a choice) and the thoughts of how I wish I was married and had children. All those thoughts, I surrendered them to God. 

I, never in a million years, thought I would be working retail at pushing 50 and earning what I'm earning now while single. I thought I would have a family and became a working mom, and a dog. The dog part came through and I have the sweetest companion, Mimi, with me, but everything else fell out of control and it would be most far fetched situation at this age. My eyes moistened at the thought of those who hates me, and their laughter knowing that I'm struggling to make ends meet and single and no prospects for love. But, today I met a couple who met in their sixties, and they told me that it wasn't their choice to have things this way at all either. They both had divorced and met each other through chance, not through friends, but through online dating. They suggested to me to go online, when I am ready and when I am done with caring for my Mom, and things settled down.

"It's never what we expect, life has its own game with God," said the husband. 

"Don't underestimate fate and surrendering to the God. The things that could happen in your life, ... miracles do happen," said the wife.

After all these times, I thought that it would take a miracle for me to meet someone and let alone marry him. Some friends even suggested that I should just start online dating now, but my Mom takes precedence right now and I hardly have time for myself. I thought to myself, "I was so pretty when I was young, and now I feel just older and not as vibrant, but I'm wiser. I hope I am still attractive to someone,"

The thoughts kept persisting and so I decided to take myself out for some iced tea for lunch during work, and that took my mind away from it for a moment. Chances are, I would have to go online to meet someone in the future, but would I be too old for it? I won't know unless I try, and I decided that I would wait it out, and help my Mom first then put myself after her. It's been a tough journey with my Mom and she has been sick all of my life since I was young, so I know that I will be in it for the long haul. But, she is worth it. 

When I'm tired, my Mom always offered to massage my feet, and cook something. She's always cooking because that is her craft hobby. She loves to cut onions, garlic and cilantros to save for a later date. I took after her habits and I would peel garlic and onions for her, and even blend candle nuts to bits for cooking. We would go to the grocery store and call it a day trip. We hover over vegetables and pick the freshest and healthiest ones at H-Mart. We go to the Korean restaurant in H-Mart and have lunch there. We have fun together, and I'm content and happy that I chose her over online dating right now.

I know I will end up an old maid and there are some stressful thoughts in the vestiges of my mind about haters...again. But, I am getting better at keeping those away and help myself through surrendering each moment to God. If it's anything I learned today was that I became a stronger person and more of a God follower than the stubborn self that I was almost forty years ago. I learned that things could take a turn and as the woman who married in her sixties said, Miracles Do Happen.

#JustWrite.