Diana Kurniawan

On New Years Eve, I was sick. I was so sick that I slept at five in the afternoon and woke up the next day to go to work at five in the morning. I was so sick that whole time and all I wanted to have this year was a healthy year. Not only that, perhaps it was the flu that caught my thoughts in a wind to think of the people I lost, but I was reminded of Jeff and Jeff. Two Jeffs that I knew although they didn't know each other, who lost their lives in the Summer of 2023 from self-harm. I thought of them and thought of how much mental health affects our lives. 

This year, as I am on the mend, I want to be healthy, mind, body and soul. I wanted to start a new year's resolution, but I won't call it that. I will call it just being a better me. I don't want to sound so cliche of starting a resolution but finding it hard to keep up, instead I want to just keep myself at bay with my mental health to be able to have a healthier mindset. Speaking life to myself, and to others. Being optimistic to myself and to others. Minding my own business, and won't ask about personal things towards others unless they volunteer to. I want to be mindful of my own capacity of humanity in the raw. I don't want to overexert myself and become so overwhelmed that I am thinking too much. 

I will keep it simple, and chill down. Not becoming too super excited when something crazy happens in politics or becoming angry when something bad happens with the new Trump Administration (I didn't vote for him). I will just keep a low profile and just chill. Just chillin' means just keeping steady too, and it will eventually help me in the long run. I plan to pray often, just being me and keeping my spiritual vitamin at a high level so I can level up when grouchy customers come my way at work. 

This year, I will just want to maintain calm, remembering my friends, especially those who have been there for me in the deepest darkest days, and being cool as a cucumber on other days to keep myself sane. Just being better will help me in the long run, I believe. I will take that to my driving skills too, not driving too fast, just right and just relaxing behind the wheel, not rushing to anything. I will read more and do more yoga, and be better at becoming myself. I want to prepare for my 49th and 50th birthday to be more comfortable in my skin. I want to be able to say to myself down the line, that I was practicing mindfulness by just being a better me. I want to look back when I'm 80 or 90 or even 100, that I started this journey at becoming a better me with mindfulness a long time ago and I am becoming better and better as a person.

#Justwrite

I'm normally just a calm person and have occasional bouts of negative thoughts from the PTSD and Depression. It is especially difficult for me during holiday seasons, Valentine's Day, my birthday and any holiday there calls to be merry as I can be. The negative thought just sometimes come in and out and I have to deal with it. Yesterday was a difficult day for me, on a Sunday, December 22nd, 2024. I was sitting at church and enjoying the children's presentation on their performance for Christmas, when suddenly I got the negative thought that I need to witness them and realize how their future is so bright but my life or future is so grim. I was so hurt by the thought and I didn't know why I felt that way. In a split second, I began to sob and felt so low that I forgot that I was a church and kept sobbing although no one noticed. The bout of negativity just came over me and hurt me like a stab from a knife inside my chest. 

I realized that it was just a thought that I could erase, and it wasn't my reality. I began to count the blessings in my life and the things that God had made a blessing out of nothing for me. The time that I was saved in a winter accident, the time the rapist almost killed me but I stayed alive, the time when I was almost killed by the group of assaulters who hurt me. The time that I almost died from suicide and the time God gave me a meteor shower for my birthday. Every January 3 to January 4, there is a meteor shower called Quadrantid over the skies and it is the most beautiful blessing that I witnessed.

I first discovered it during my roughest moment in life, the time when I was 37 and I didn't think I would see 40. It wasn't that long ago, and I realized that moment was my personal miracle in life. I didn't search for it, but deep down there was a still small voice that told me to go outside at midnight and see the skies and to wait there until four in the morning. It was God's way of telling me to stay faithful to him and to anticipate glory instead of suicide. I saw several meteor showers and I realized that it was for me. I didn't know where the sadness had gone afterwards, but I was astonished and not at all suicidal. The negative thought disappeared and I found myself counting stars and it was my evidence that God showed up.

This Christmas, during the suicidal thought at church this past Sunday, I reached out to some of my best friends and they had some wisdom given to me. One of them told me that I already made a difference in life and I am going to keep making a difference in my future in my own life and others as well. That sentiment gave me a revelation. Sometimes, I don't realize how important I am in the lives of others, because I am so internally focused on myself and how I was affected by others, that I didn't realize how I also make a difference in other people's lives as well. I failed to realize that other people are affected by me too, and that unknowingly, my intentions, and good deeds, and other blessings I gave towards others had made a difference in their lives. I thought I was a solo traveller in the land of negativity and abandonment, and no one cared about me because I meant nothing to everyone. But that's not true. I mean a lot to my Mami and also my late beloved Papi. I am my brother's and sister's sister and I am valuable to them. I am a good friend and best friends to a lot of my friends and that means a lot too. I am worthy human being and I am worthy of living a good life and a good future. I am worth God's blessings and miracles and I don't need signs or wonders, but God sent me a meteor shower. It was a defining miracle in my life and it is a defining life that I have. 

This Christmas, as I love others, I will also love myself. I won't forget how valuable I am and how much of a kindred spirit I am to my best friends and my pet. How I am so loved that they can't live without me. That they think of me all the time and they think the world of me. That God thinks the world of me and though that this world needs someone like me in it. 

I realize I have negative thoughts, but I also know I am loved and that I am a positive influence in other people's lives and that I have made a lot of difference in my own life and in the lives of others. I have dreams to follow and put to work, and I have people and friends to build relationships with, and more people in my future who will cherish me. I have countries to travel to and even other states in America that I need to travel to. I have a big life ahead of me. 

This Christmas is not a time of negative thoughts, no matter who you are and whether or not you have PTSD and Major Depression. I know it's the hardest time of the year for some people, but I hope someone will stumble upon my blog and read this and decide to become a positive thinker even if it's just from this Christmas. That this person is directed away from suicide and self harm and realize that he or she is a difference maker in life, their own lives and others as well. That I am making a difference. I am so grateful for this Christmas and I hope we will all live to see millions more Christmases to come. 

#JustWrite

Today I realized that my normal was a miracle in itself. Ten years ago, I didn't think I would live past 40, and I had suicidal ideations inside my head, practicing power dialogues to help myself to take suicide out of my vocabulary. Today, I'm working and earning a living, although not stellar, but I'm grateful.

This morning I drove to work early and got to my undesignated parking spot and took a breather. I looked to the left of me and the same white Ford van was there since I left the day before. The inside was full of clothes and dirty dishes, as I realized that someone had been living there, inside the van and perhaps even working at the same retail store I work for. My eyes moistened because I knew this person has been living there for the past few months, just not telling anyone about the parking situation. I realized that the normal for the person living inside the car was very different from mine. Just a step away to the left, was how close the situation was for me.

Every Christmas, I was always depleted with money and as always with my monthly wages throughout the year. I guess that's what barely scraping it meant. But, I will do something even with as few as $20 this year, and I will put it towards something for someone. I have expenses to pay, but I realized this morning that each person was given something different and it could have been me, living in the van. I won't be able to put too much into it, because I want to have some presents for my niece and nephews, but I'm going to save up my dollars and donate it. I haven't donated in a long time because I've been helping my Mom with rent but I felt called this morning because of the person living inside the van. 

My normal became routine for me, but I felt thankful for the things I have. The running water, the shower and water I get to drink, the food I have, and the job I work for. The Mom who is still with me, and the friends who love me. This morning was a miracle I never expected, because I never thought I would be this grateful. I hated my life just a decade ago and before these past few years, because I was poor, suicidal and single and still am, but I had no sense of gratitude inside of me since my focus was skewed. I paid attention to the things that I lacked and everything I wished for, without realizing that my normal was a dream to someone in this world. No matter who the person living inside the van was, that person had made a difference in me. It wasn't intentional, but it made all the difference in me.

I used to serve dinner for the homeless because I felt so happy doing so, but it wasn't just because of that, now that I thought about it. It was because I wanted to make the people at the shelter feel better. I wanted to give them a nice day out of their tough normal. I served the homeless for a while, but I felt it wasn't long enough. I had to stop because my parents were becoming ill and my father eventually passed on. Because of this morning, I want to get back into serving the homeless. I want to help my Mom first and then as time will permit, I hope I will get to start a new normal that will involve helping others more, and less pondering about my life. I realized my norm might even be worse than others, but I am grateful I am not a scorekeeper, just a sensitive Jane with a willing heart.

#JustWrite

I don't know what came over me, but lately, even with the outcome of the election, I have been grateful. Not knowing why, but I am grateful for the basic necessities I have and the things that have kept me working today and at this very moment. The retail job, the coworkers I have, the customers I come across and the paychecks I receive. I had such a great Sunday that a customer gave me a chocolate ice cream bar. Not knowing why, but she just gave it to me and told me that it was for my break. I was so honored to be the recipient of her gift and I was doubly happy after I ate the ice cream. 

My days aren't exciting, work then home and take care of my Mom, and my dog and then manage to have time to read, write and pray then I go to sleep at an early time. I need the rest but lately I have been sleeping late and that's probably why I have gotten the flu a couple of times but not enough to get me off work. Today, however, my bones hurt and I had a headache so I asked for the half day off and my Mom gave me a coin rub. I am, however, still grateful. 

I think with the grateful mentality, my days have gotten better. Nothing could steer me away from it and I am so happy that I finally have this perspective. I have eyes to see, ears to listen and hear, and an able body to keep working. I have a Mami who is getting older but the older she is, the more I enjoy taking care of her. I have a bed to sleep on and a house to let myself and my Mom live in, and we have heating which is a blessing, and running water which is even more precious. 

I look at the world today and I saw there are still so many wars and it has been going on for a very long time, with more atrocious crimes and evils towards the innocent people and children. If I had the means to help more than just the small amount of dollars I gave to Choose Love, I would. I am just grateful that I can donate. 

This holiday season, I am grateful. For the small things that are unseen and just there for the time being and I know I am a recipient of grace from God. I am thankful for my life and everything in it, which is the opposite of my mentality during my 20s, 30s, and even early 40s. Back then, I was so disappointed that I was raped and I was mentally so depressed that I could not find anything that was worthy of grace. But, things are different now and I am grateful, and who knows... the best is yet to come!

#JustWrite.

It has been a sad week. I was sad about the election and the outcome of it. I wanted a woman President and she would have represented African and Asian Americans for all of us.

I voted, yet I felt my vote was ignored and it didn't amount to much compared to those in Wisconsin, or North Carolina or the other high electoral votes states. I felt that the voting process was already decided by white americans, both white men and white women, and my vote were lost in space. I felt a disparaging voice that never amounted to anything except the void of the loss. I felt like a woman before we were given the right to vote. It was already sad that women had to fight to vote, we weren't given the right, and now that we have the right, we're not allowed to become President. 

I felt even more devastated by the plethora of graphs that were flooding the social media about the breakdown of votes. I was sad that white americans both men and women were in majority were pro-Trump, but I was more sad that Asian Americans were not included in the graph. I knew that Asian Americans only make up less than 10% of the population in the United States, but we were still a part of the group of voters. We were completely ignored and our votes were not shown in the graphs that flooded the social media about who voted for Kamala vs. Trump. 

I really wanted Kamala to win, because for once, an Asian woman would have been recognized in office, whereas now and always, we have been ignored. I never see a camera on an Asian American congressman or congresswoman, and I couldn't even tell if there was any Asian Americans in office or not. I didn't see the social media news surrounding the Asian Americans senators or congressman who won the votes this time around. I felt with Kamala, Asian Americans would have more leverage and more platform that just the Crazy Rich Asians. I wanted a more legitimate platform and a more important role for an Asian American. I was really disappointed.

With Trump in office, there will be more slurs surrounding Chinese descent, and it will catapult to all Asian Americans and before we know it, the whole Anti-Asian Hate will rise again.

I promised myself today to not lose heart and to keep practicing the radical acceptance that I learned from therapy, but the risk felt too great.

I felt a risk beyond my control about racism that might happen to me, being Indonesian American and being a former immigrant, although I was naturalized. I felt like an animal seeking a home and acceptance with this Trump Presidency. It felt raw and hopeless and it felt like I needed to pray each day to keep the racists away. It felt bleak for me, because even in social media today, our votes were not shown in the breakdown of votes for Election 2024. I felt invisible.

I pray, each day and as always, The United States and its people won't become like Trump, although he is the President now. I pray we become better people, and a better country, not because of him, but because of the rest of us who still believe in the goodness of people, equality and equal opportunities, the right to health care and reproductive care, and many more. I will continue the good fight because I don't believe in Trump, and his Project 2025. I pray, there will be change.

#JustWrite 

I can't wait. I mean...I could, but I also can't wait.

I can wait for the cooler and wet weather, but I can't wait for the first snow. The feeling of having snow on your nose and the tips of your fingers, is exciting. I can't wait for the sentimental feeling of old Christmas Spirit to come and renew the senses, and although it's an old man with his beard and red suit, it's the novelty of it that comes into my heart each year.

I can't wait for the candies at work and to see the smiles of kids around our block with their bags full of sweets. Sometimes they just laugh and makes you smile out of nothing at all, and that feeling of joy is irreplaceable.

I can't wait for the Christmas Spirit to come into my heart and mind, but only after I experience the gratitude of Thanksgiving. I can't wait for Thanksgiving and the gathering of loved ones inside my home. This year, same as the year before, my brother and sister will be here with their families, and my Mami and I will have some foods ready for our potluck and gather together in our small dining room to just enjoy each other's company. It's so full of happy times and I can't wait for that. 

I can wait for frost bites, but I don't get them because i wear proper gears and proper shoes, so it's not a problem for me. I can wait for the freezing temperature, but today I had my first taste of hot chocolate during a cool temperature and it feels divine.

Now that Mami and I are back in the groove of things, I am not burned out, but I'm so thankful. I just can't wait for what's next.

#JustWrite

I'm at a spot where my source of joy is within me.

I remembered those days when I chose melancholy because it was my natural state. However, lately, my natural state is no longer melancholy, and I started to choose joy. THis was such a huge surprise to me because I often couldn't realize that I chose it, instead I just leaned towards it because I didn't want to cry or have negative thoughts. But today...I chose it, because I was healthier. 

True, I take meds for the PTSD and Depression, but I felt healthy besides that. Couldn't I just say that I'm healthy? 

I think it's important that I can be healthy and choose to be healthy because I'm taking care of myself. I think it's okay to say I'm healthy although I have meds inside me for mental health. I think my standard is my own. 

I sometimes didn't know that I chose joy, because it had to be an effort, and it didn't come naturally. I try to ruminate over it first and then try it out and sometimes the negative thoughts just wins, but today....not so fast bucko, negativity what?  

I was so impressed of myself and I am proud about it. I didn't ask for any supportive words, and I didn't call anyone for help. I just kept choosing joy. It felt positive and encouraging. I just smiled and kept smiling to the customers in front of me. 

One customer yelled at me, because his Food Stamps didn't work and he also took it out on my supervisor, but I just stayed calm, and let them just yell at each other. Eventually, the man ran outside because he was so disturbed and angry and he already yelled at my supervisor and me, but my supervisor and I hugged it out later, and we were okay. I chose joy, peace, and calm and no drama. I chose the path that was healthy. I could have escalated when the man yelled at us, but I didn't. Sometimes it pays to be short too, because the man was hella tall, and I would have to keep looking up to talk to him. 

The next thing after that was peace and I said to myself, "He should have known electrolytes weren't covered by Food Stamps."  Then the customer after him said to me, "He should have kept a tally of his spending, and he should have known that he'd go over his food budgets."

Basically, I thought nothing about it and the thought of being negative that would have let me feel down in the dumps didn't happen. I just kept calm and carried on. 

Today might be a special day, and I even thought of something funny about the situation. Well, it was because the man who tried to bring me and my supervisor down was eating like a toddler. In his cart were six boxes of cereals and four gallons of milk, and four boxes of crackers, and some bags of chicken fingers. He used his food stamps like a toddler, but who was I to judge. I judged anyway, and he made me laugh. 

The point was, I wasn't brought down by the negative situation. I was lifted up because I had a sense of humor, and I chose joy. 

#JustWrite

I tried to think today of the choices I've made that led me to this spot in life. I ached and bruised my own thoughts until I realized I had to surrender through the times in my life right now to not become a curmudgeon over past mistakes. I stop thinking after about ten seconds and began to surrender and prayed to God about myself and what it was that I went through. The thoughts of how I didn't choose to be in my job (if I had a choice) and the thoughts of how I wish I was married and had children. All those thoughts, I surrendered them to God. 

I, never in a million years, thought I would be working retail at pushing 50 and earning what I'm earning now while single. I thought I would have a family and became a working mom, and a dog. The dog part came through and I have the sweetest companion, Mimi, with me, but everything else fell out of control and it would be most far fetched situation at this age. My eyes moistened at the thought of those who hates me, and their laughter knowing that I'm struggling to make ends meet and single and no prospects for love. But, today I met a couple who met in their sixties, and they told me that it wasn't their choice to have things this way at all either. They both had divorced and met each other through chance, not through friends, but through online dating. They suggested to me to go online, when I am ready and when I am done with caring for my Mom, and things settled down.

"It's never what we expect, life has its own game with God," said the husband. 

"Don't underestimate fate and surrendering to the God. The things that could happen in your life, ... miracles do happen," said the wife.

After all these times, I thought that it would take a miracle for me to meet someone and let alone marry him. Some friends even suggested that I should just start online dating now, but my Mom takes precedence right now and I hardly have time for myself. I thought to myself, "I was so pretty when I was young, and now I feel just older and not as vibrant, but I'm wiser. I hope I am still attractive to someone,"

The thoughts kept persisting and so I decided to take myself out for some iced tea for lunch during work, and that took my mind away from it for a moment. Chances are, I would have to go online to meet someone in the future, but would I be too old for it? I won't know unless I try, and I decided that I would wait it out, and help my Mom first then put myself after her. It's been a tough journey with my Mom and she has been sick all of my life since I was young, so I know that I will be in it for the long haul. But, she is worth it. 

When I'm tired, my Mom always offered to massage my feet, and cook something. She's always cooking because that is her craft hobby. She loves to cut onions, garlic and cilantros to save for a later date. I took after her habits and I would peel garlic and onions for her, and even blend candle nuts to bits for cooking. We would go to the grocery store and call it a day trip. We hover over vegetables and pick the freshest and healthiest ones at H-Mart. We go to the Korean restaurant in H-Mart and have lunch there. We have fun together, and I'm content and happy that I chose her over online dating right now.

I know I will end up an old maid and there are some stressful thoughts in the vestiges of my mind about haters...again. But, I am getting better at keeping those away and help myself through surrendering each moment to God. If it's anything I learned today was that I became a stronger person and more of a God follower than the stubborn self that I was almost forty years ago. I learned that things could take a turn and as the woman who married in her sixties said, Miracles Do Happen.

#JustWrite.

From a short distance I could already suspect his failing arms and legs. He rode on the motorized cart for the handicapped around the retail store where I work. I waited for him at the cash register, ready to ring up his merchandise. Slowly, he placed one item after another as I started to scan them one by one. At the end of the series of items, he took out his EBT card and pressed food stamps to pay for his merchandise. I was so happy that we made it and he hardly broke a sweat but his speed was agonizingly slow because he might have been handicapped from his old age.

"Queres una bolsa, senor?" I asked him. He shook his head and "no, por favor." He finished his transaction and the food stamps paid for $50 of his things, which wasn't much considering how much groceries costs in the world today post covid prices.

He looked at the register screen on the customer side and a frown had set in. I looked at it and it said $45.90 left on to be paid. He didn't speak English and from his physical appearance, he might be in his 80s or older. I wanted to hug him, and tell him that he didn't have to pay for it. His eyes moistened and I knew he must have felt vulnerable with his ailing arms and feet, barely able to get the merchandise into his cart, and now he couldn't pay for the rest of his groceries. I wanted to just fake his payment as cash to get rid of the bill and call it a day, but my job would be on the line.

"We'll pay for it," said the twenty-something woman in the line after him. She watched us without saying a word and she also must have noticed how vulnerable the senor was. "I got it," said the mother of the twenty something woman. "It's not a big deal, and he needs his merchandise," she said.  

The Senor was teary eyed and he uttered, "Gracias," as his voice shook and nearly cried. I wanted to hug them all, and my eyes were moist. 

Their transaction was added to the Senor's merchandise and the total added up to over $450 dollars for just groceries. I couldn't speak, and I never saw anyone spent that much on foods before. It was my early morning shift and I never expected this at such early in the day. I really wanted to say thank you, but my tongue was frozen. I walked from behind the register counter to the Senor who waited for them and I hugged him, then I hugged the twenty something woman and her Mom. 

I cried after they left, not only because their interactions was so moving and poignant but also because they've restored something inside of me. 

For a long time, I believed that most people are bad, and that humans were animals. The smarter the animal, the more evil they possessed, and humans were amongst the most evil of animals. I truly believed in that. But, for some reason, today...it all changed. The interactions between the senor and the twenty something woman and her Mom was the norm where I work. It happens everday and the other workers knew it as well, and I was just one witness amongst many. It wasn't a once in a blue moon event, it was an every day thing. It was normal. 

Since the pandemic, I believe the world felt more vulnerable and humans felt vulnerability more than usual and that attuned everyone to want to be kinder. I realized that the world has changed eversince COVID happened and the world became victim of the pandemic with millions of people who died, including my own father. I saw humans becoming closer to humanity, people helping people and men and women starting to take care of each other. The world became kinder and I hope everyone became kinder, at every level. True, there are wars still going on and different parts of the world is still in chaos, like Ukraine and Gaza, but I saw some changes from closer to home. 

I saw organizations helping people worldwide and although there are now more homelessness, but more homeless shelters and organizations are being mobilized. I saw people more attuned to their friends and family, and I hope texting is as frequent as voice calls on the cell phones. I hope things keep on changing, and people do become kinder.  I really hope my observation is true, because I saw kindness become more and more prominent in small everyday lives. 

I hope things weren't a fluke, and it wasn't an extraordinary moment, and it was truly just normal. If this was a fluke and if there are millions of people out there who disagree, I am more not sorry for saying so. I hope my sentiment becomes true and kindness is becoming normal for everyone.

#JustWrite

Perhaps it my fate to die alone, but who cares, right? I'm not a new victim to the lonely fate and the single life. I'm not ashamed of it, but I can still dream can't I?

I dream I'm in Paris, just like Emily, but with myself and standing in front of the Eifel Tower just letting the sun beaming down on me. I ask a stranger where the entrance to go up is and the person ignores me. I finally find it on my own and I walk myself up there to take a picture from the top with my cell phone. Download the picture to IG and memorialize it. Eifel Tower, my highest climb in France. 

Scratch that, I'm in Rome, where I always dream to vacation. I will be inside the Vatican, and I'm happy that confession is going on, or do they still do that? Who knows.

I'm finding myself surrounded by majesty and I don't care what I look like or how I feel. I'm always feeling lesser than and I think it's the child rape. Not my fault. It's sort of a condition that was injected in me by a predator. But, in this dream, I'm captivated by Rome and the Vatican, and it won't be long until I can go to the Gondola river, that's what I'm going to call it, yes...which is not what is proper, but who cares. I'm dreaming and I'm doing the creating, so be it.

Then I hop on a plane to Portugal and see the Arms of Jesus standing in the center of the country and marvel. It's love at first sight, Jesus. It must be love and I will forever be with Jesus all of my life. I will travel to Greece and see the whole country, how can I not? And it's all in the budget of Google Earth. I will travel to see these great lands and not spend a dollar, but letting the eternal wonder seep inside my eyes of these magical travel plans. If I was to die alone, will there be extra credit in heaven for being well traveled through the computer? I hope so, because it's probably my grace to do it on my own. 

I consider it a gift, being alone, and I'm going to stop letting myself get sad, instead gloat on the freedom of it all. It's not everyday I get to live in a peaceful state without the chaos of a large family. I'm me and all of me is all I have right now, and I need to be okay with it. I will be, once I am getting good at looking at the bright side of being single and poor. I'm preparing for it and I'm not going to be sad about being alone, instead I'll make travel plans, even through Google Earth. There is a dream that someone will be there and we will even be able to see Disneyland Tokyo, or go to Singapore and see the temples in Thailand and the beaches of Vietnam. I'm not sure how it will all pan out, but I will dream it and create it and make it a master plan. 

In the mean time, I'll install Google Earth.

#JustWrite