I wrote a blog before this one and it was about how I felt grateful and calm with my life thus far. I erased it.
To tell you the truth, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that all people want is my suffering and posting it as a blog so they can savor the moment of my suffering and feel victorious.
I have so much fear when I'm writing this blog and writing about my life in general. It hurts me to know that there are people out there who want me to suffer and to work at Walmart all of my life and never amount to anything with my writing and that makes them feel happy. To never be able to retire and to succumb to be a cashier all of my life and become less and less fortunate as the days go on. There is nothing wrong with being a cashier at Walmart, but I want to write. I want to write books that I have in me and share my stories. I wish everyone would wish me well. I wish everyone wants me to succeed and triumph, but that's not the case.
It has been my dream to become a writer and I'm pursuing it, but I know there are people who hate me for it. They want me to fail and end at suicide or even better stay stagnant and never reach my potential. I tell myself each day that I have the right to pursue my dream and not have to feel the hurt from others, but there is still a fear. Fear that people who read this blog will use it against me and make me suffer even more. People who would steal ideas and words and use it against me. I worry that those who hates me want malice, hatred, jealousies and death.
I'm afraid that my supervisors will even try to get me written up if they know that I'm writing and pursuing my writing on top of work and helping my Mom. I wonder if they even care, but a part of me has this fear that they want me to work there and never move up or leave, but to grow old and become rotund and end in self harm.
I talk about self harm a lot because I've suffered from it for over a decade and I believe it was about 15 years. I suffered from suicidal ideations for a very long time, and it still lingers at times when something bad happens to me or someone is mean to me. I still have a hard time getting if off my back when I have anxiety. I get to that point often and I worry about myself so much that I would get even more anxious and it becomes a round about busy thoughts.
I had so much potential, but it all seems to have disappeared and the only thing that's keeping alive is writing. I will try my best and I hope it will be good. I hope people who read this will wish me well and those who know that I'm pursuing writing will also wish me well. I hope I don't have anymore enemies, and I hope my dreams come true.
#JustWrite