Diana Kurniawan

I was at home when I saw the post that Barb had passed away from a stroke. I was at home watching morning telly when my best friend, JJ, announced on Facebook that her beloved husband fell from El Capitan in Yosemite. I was driving and talking to JJ when I found out that Jeff #1 was found dead on a street corner after being homeless for several months and overdosed on substances. I was working at Target when I was informed of my coworker Jeff's suicide by alcohol poisoning. All four deaths meant something for me this month, and this year, Father's Day will be tough because I lost my Papi in 2021 from a stroke and Covid19. 

June is supposed to be a happy month, but it became a contemplative month for me. I struggled with suicide for fifteen years since I was raped by a group of people in 2001. I wanted to die because the pain was so bad that I couldn't handle it. On top of that, there was a woman and her brothers who kept breaking into my brother's car and we were so afraid of more violence. All that also happened in June and all summer in the 2000s. June has been a tough month for me for quite some time. 

Now, I am reminded of overcoming those hard times and being the past friends of those who died. It is so odd for me to be reminded of them, but I kept feeling their names inside my heart as I pray for their families and loved ones who lost them with me. I don't know why I kept thinking of them, but I suppose the spirits are telling me to value my life and to keep going. To make these beloveds proud and for me to keep them in my heart. 

I lost so many friends in my life, and I've been to about five funerals. I wished that weren't the case. I wished I had been to births and graduations more than I have been to funerals, but it isn't my fault. I could keep talking and thinking about it, but it won't do any good. I think June is a reminder for me of the people who lost their lives too soon and a force to appreciate mine. To keep going, and to make them proud of my progress, because I also didn't know I was going to live this long. I thought I was going to end my life in suicide by 40, but here I am at 49 and counting.

Do i question mortality because of this? You bet. I don't know how much longer I have, but I will keep going. I made it to 49 and will become a half of a century next year. I am grateful, but also somber from the reminder. I will pray about this and to keep praying for my beloved friends's families. I felt their spirits are telling me to work hard on myself and my endeavors. I will do so, and I have been. Until I see them in Heaven, I will send a prayer tonight. 

#JustWrite

This month is especially tough at some parts with it being a reminder of two deaths by suicide for two Jeffs in my past. Both didn't know each other, and died a year apart from each other in the month of June. This month is also Men's Mental Health Month, which makes sense for me, making it a difficult month for men at some parts of their lives. 

I just hope that both Jeffs families are taking care of themselves. Having someone taken away from self harm is the worst feeling because it was a hopeless fight that was lost and nothing could be done about it now. The hardest thing was society's feelings and misconception with suicide, because it is not acceptable, and understandably so. It is the worst crime against oneself, because self harm is harming our own lives for a temporary answer. Our society also immediately believe that those we lost to suicide went in hell and not accepted to heaven. This makes me sad. I somehow still believe that not all suicides end in hell, because the fight is (as I myself struggled with it), excruciatingly rough.

Both Jeffs that I knew were both Christians and they had a rough time with the religion because they were both alcoholics, and were condemned. There were struggles beyond my own understanding that they faced alone and they didn't want anyone to know. From what they told me was they were kicked out of several groups of Christian believers because they relapsed and didn't seek help or the help they sought didn't work out. It was partly the fault of both Jeffs, but I also didn't know the full spectrum of their situations. They hid their fights, and tried their best to seem strong and to keep going, but eventually they lost the fight.

I just hope this month brings men (and also women) to seek mental health more seriously, no matter what state of mind one is in. Especially for men this month, but I won't forget the women as well. It is imperative to know one's mental health even as your self esteem tells you that you can handle things alone. Sometimes our own ego lies and we are behooved to seek help because we cannot handle things alone in the long run. 

I hope this month of June brings people together in the talk about mental health amongst men, especially those facing other ailments and conditions or addictions. I hope healing for us all, and I pray for hope for us all as well.

#JustWrite