I was in the Emergency Department yesterday after nearly collapsing at work during mid-shift. I was scared and worried of my health but when the tests were done and the doctor gave me electrolytes and saline, I was fine. It turned out I was tired and dehydrated. During the stay, I thought of my Mom, and how she was afraid for me and afraid for herself because I was caring for her and if I'm sick, she will be hurting and won't be able to care for herself.
I thought of my Mom during the time I was in the dim room, and held her fondly in my heart and texted her prayers for her to ponder on and build on. I prayed for myself as well and got teary a bit during the time, but everything turned out okay and I was sent home after four hours.
I realized that when I was scared, I thought of my Mom, the person I loved the most and my siblings as I prayed for them. The thoughts of them made me feel happier and sweetened the day. I thought of how my Mom loves me so much that she texted me and wanted to know if everything was okay. My sister also texted me and told me to care for my wellbeing and health first and foremost. The thoughts of my Mom, especially made me feel loved, as she loved me in person. In the dark, thoughts of my love for my Mom brightened my heart. It felt so different from thinking about men and how I once was in love, it felt real.
I don't know what will happen to my love life, and I've cried about it, millions of times, but it is out of my control. With my Mom, my heart is wholesome and kind and the love just emanates from me. I think God is trying to tell me to not pay attention about my love life but to keep focus on what's in front of me, my Mom, my writing, my health and my wellbeing. It lightened my burden and the realization helped me a lot. I don't have to care about my love life for now, because it is out of my hands. I need to have a change in my perspective, and it starts now. I love my Mom too much to become more depressed about being alone.