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The Fuel

Grateful for what it is

There was a time when I didn't know why I existed and why I was placed with such predicaments as sexual assaults all of my life. I was harmed and I didn't know how to cope, but today I felt like a changed woman. I didn't want to remember the incidents although one day I will remember it again and I will have to recount them, but I felt warmly accepting of the fact that was my past and I won't be able to change it.


I realized I'm just one former victim now survivor and will become a thriver. I was just being molded into something beautiful and although the assaults weren't supposed to happen, I won't discount that it did shape me. Through rough edges and every type of psychiatry, I tried a lot of psychotherapy and I am happy that I utilized my sources. I am grateful and will always live in that mode forever. I won't want to live as an ingrate with the temper of an old dementia patient. I want to live to 100 with joy and gratefulness in my heart. 


I don't know if I will become a writer or not and actually, it's not my goal to be famous and celebrated. I just want to share my story and perhaps I can help someone somehow. My story is tough and it is full of tragedies and although it makes for a good book, I still have fears that the enemies will laugh and tear my books apart. The memories that shapes my books and drives my creative mind also sometimes gives me it's own traumas.


I remembered the time when my journal was stolen in college and copied and spread all over campus until I ran to the nearest bathroom and tried to calm myself down from the panic attack. I realized I had enemies then and I still have enemies now. Those doubts are all about them and my fears all came from those incidences. It still scares me, even now. But, I will try my best to uphold my desires and work for my goals to flourish towards gratitude.


Some writers have it easy with their journals and their educations and MFAs...but even then, they also have their tragedies. I won't lie, I am scared to death of never sharing my story at all and I end up becoming a has been, and a folktale of a survivor who worked hard on writing only to find herself to die trying. I still remember the curses and abuses from those women and men who wanted me to fail, because it is so hard to shake off. Yet, I will try my best to not think of negatives and sleep well while thinking three positive thoughts. 


Here is to being the underdog, and the one without the degrees in writing or a PhD in anything. I will keep working and keep being grateful, no matter how long it takes to make the content I'm dreaming about. So here is to being grateful and being content, as I am, and working on my goals to help me grow in the long run.



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