I sat down and turned off the engine to my car and sat in the stillness of morning with just the darkness before dawn. I took my phone and searched for a song in my playlist. You raise me up by Josh Groban played on, and I closed my eyes. Inside my mind, I saw my Papi on his hospital bed, heaving from the COVID-19 damage to his lungs. We, his family, were told he just had two more hours to live before he will pass because of the severe damageto his lungs and lack of air.
I remembered uttering, "Papi, you did a great job with your life," and went on to describe his retirement from Target after 26 years and his trips to Europe with Mami afterwards. It felt like yesterday that he was just sitting on the couch, watching the Great British Baking Show with me, while predicting who will win the trophy. I don't know what it was about May, but I felt his presence most in the Spring time more than any other time during the year. I love reminiscing about him, because he was a good father. He was my beacon of light and I trusted him more than anything.
My tears rolled down my cheeks and the time said 6:45 am. I listened to Josh Groban, opened my eyes, and sat in the memories of Papi with joy. I knew he was looking out for me and wanted to tell me something this morning. Inside my heart was a whisper, stay in gratitude and stay with Mami and take care of her. Those were the messages I received as I sat in the stillness of dawn this time. The sun rose to the sky and the darkness disappeared with birds flying and I closed my eyes once more. I let the playlist went on, and the next song was Say You Love Me by Jennifer Knapp, and I was humbled. I knew Papi was listening to me. My lips began to move in prayers and I uttered, "Papi, look out for me from heaven."
There was no evidence in the physical and there was no scientific explanation to what happened to Papi after death, but I knew he was in heaven. I just knew from the small moments that came to me in the stillness of morning, or during prayer time, during my moments of depression and during my joys. I knew something was holding me together, keeping me humble and sane, and letting me enjoy my true self. The memories of Papi's kindness are and will always be inside my heart and mind, and that makes it easier for me to remember the joyful times with him.
I know there weren't any explanations of how much he loved me and if he really was watching over me, but the Holy Spirit told me so.
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