May 21, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
The world is raining, Seth, and the sun is not coming out soon, but I know it's there. Like my future, Seth, it seems bleak but I know it's there. I won't think much although I do, and I'm sad to admit, and full of regrets, but I can say that I'm alright right now, this moment, it is itself, enough and for me, no one else.
I went outside about an hour ago and I should have washed my hair and brought shampoo with the rain pouring, but I didn't. It would have been smarter, instead I cried. I looked up letting the rain drop wet my face, and my tears felt warm rolling down slower on my face. I thought about being a writer, and I didn't know a thing. What the hell was I supposed to do, Sethy? I never had a single English class, except for those classes in high school, and you know I dropped out, right. How? By what force? Who's going to tell me how to do this? What the heck am I doing?
I knew how to have sex better than write, that's a fucking truth, Seth. I knew how to make love to Jack and got pregnant then ran away like a loser, but the important stuff....I'm totally shitty with it. I'm all talk. I don't know how to do anything. Feeling stupid right now. I don't know what books to read, what am I supposed to do now? Just pick up a book and say I'm going to be a writer? I'm writing nonsense, my grammar is shitty, and I'm crazy about some guy (you) who doesn't even know I'm alive and the worst of it is....he's a celebrity. I wish you were some computer science geek at GE or something, then you can at least give me discounts on fridges and microwaves. But this....I'm writing nonsense, talking to myself, writing shit, thinking shit, crazy shit like I'm supposed to be a world class writer and such. Who the hell will give me props for believing in myself? I think God is surprised, and you know nothing surprises that guy.
So I kept thinking about it and I talked to Joey, and he said, "Well.....one step at a time. You can think it over and try to go to college or something. Isn't that the right step?"
"Yeah, I'm going to do that, from New Jersey Community College, and get some big time publisher or agent.....yeah....that sounds reasonable, right Joey?" I said and asked at the same time.
"Uh-huh....I think so, right? Does that make you feel good or bad? Tell me," he asked.
"HHmmm.....it's okay but I'm not convinced you think I can do it," I told him.
"Well....," Joey said, with his eyes scrunched, and he definitely looked stressed. I made Joey stress out, Seth. What kind of friend stresses you out and makes you cry all the time? I'm so sorry for Joey sometimes, but I desperately need him. He walked away for a minute and I had no idea where he went. After five minutes, I was still sitting there, and he came back with an old 1980's walk-man, and it had some kind of tape inside.
"This is the only thing I got at the Goodwill store, and I swear to God, it's magic," said Joey.
Inside was a tape, and I think it looks like a battery operated walk-man, and I couldn't help it but laughed out loud, "What the hell is this thing? Walk-man, 80's tape deck, and who's in this tape?"
"Just listen to it," said Joey.
"Is it Madonna?" I asked. Gotta say, I love her.
"Nope....just listen," said Joey.
I took the headphones with some spongy thingy on the earmuffs stuff. Joey pushed play I think, or some kind of button, and the music came on, "Who is this chick, Joey?"
"Janis!" said Joey. "She was an old rock star, but don't blame me for her druggie addiction. I didn't do it," said Joey. "But she's great!"
I listened to her smoky voice and said,"Raise your hand," and I looked to Joey, "and what does that allegorically represent, Joey?"
"You gotta start from the bottom, ask questions, get your answers from experts, go to find resources....like the way you're doing now. It's possible," said Joey. "I gotta go pee, I think."
I listened to her some more and my head bopped...I like Janis, but with the voice I hear on my ear, she's probably a really tall lady with an electric guitar and dreds. I don't know who this Janis person is, Seth. But, I listened to her whole album and her voice took me to my room, and I sat on my bed as I start to write down next steps.
Either Joey or Janis, they're angels.
I love you, Seth,