For someone with PTSD, a small thought could be dangerous. It could be a moment where a trigger came in that showed something familiar that brought back memories of the past. For me, today was the elderly. I went into a room and after an hour, there was a Code called out and the patient was no longer there. That person had died. It reminded me to a dead friend and the others in my past who died of suicide. I didn't know how the patient died, but I realized that life was quick. It went by for me like lightning. I was 25 and gang raped and now I'm 25 years older. Time took on, and I tried to heal during the 25 years and still going.
I began to think that I was a slow healer, but I will give myself grace with healing. It could take a lifetime, and I will walk slowly with it, especially as I am also writing it. That small thought this morning became a big negative thought and that negative thought was that I will die alone and I will die loveless, and worst, other people were praying for that to happen, a lot of people. Thank god I didn't hear voices, because I don't want to be schizophrenic, and it was just a thought. It became a bigger thought because I saw death straight in the eyes, right after I delivered the meal to the patient. It made me realize how swift things could happen, and I began to think about my healing progress and how slow I was going, against time that was going so fast.
I quickly went there, to the fatal zone of going beyond my control and was almost caught by the deadly ghost, but it passed through, and I was freed. It took several prayer warriors that I texted and my good female friends to understand me. I will keep going, but now I know how small those thoughts could speed into a big thought. I will slow it down and now I know how to curb the spiraling and it was through connection, which made the suicide hotline so important, because we all need connection to break off the harmful thought. Today, it was just a negative thought that was small which became big. Other days might not be so easy and I know I will need connection. I will take care of myself and take this incident seriously and take good healthy precautions for the future.
I want to live as long as I could, and I won't end my life in suicide, I promised my late father. Therefore, I will take care of myself.
This one almost went to the birds, but I was stronger.
#KeepGoing
#JustWrite